A guest post by Peacefulwife.
As you all know, I usually only write to wives. And, for the ladies reading this post – if you are discontent or resentful in your marriage right now, I think that this may be a post for you to skip. The ladies may want to check out my blog for wives at http://www.peacefulwife.com.
I have been getting many inquiries from husbands who would like more practical information with specific examples for their side of the relationship – like I have been doing for the ladies. But I find that it works best when wives focus on their own responsibilities – and if you read about what husbands could or “should” be doing, it may discourage you.
Gentlemen,
I have had so many husbands lately asking for more concrete information, that I decided to write a post for y’all! Here are some observations and possible suggestions from my perspective as a wife that I pray might be illuminating as you seek to honor God in your marriage and love your wife as Christ loves the church and lead selflessly (Eph 5:22-33). Every wife is unique in some ways! This may not all apply, or I may have left things out that would speak love to your wife in some particular way. It is not an exhaustive list, for sure!
And – as one husband pointed out – it is VERY important to love Christ MORE than you love your wife (or anyone or anything)! It is only by submitting fully to Christ and being empowered by His Spirit that a husband can do all that God asks of him in marriage.
A FEW THINGS THAT MAKE MOST WIVES FEEL UNLOVED AND HURT (and some practical suggestions for alternatives):
- not listening to us – I suggest turning off or pausing the tv/computer/Ipad/phone and face her and look at her. Women talk face to face – it makes us feel “emotionally connected”, not shoulder to shoulder. Ideally, you would sit down with us at a certain time every day for about 15-30 minutes – after supper or after the children are in bed – and smile and hold out your arms or your hand and say, “Ok, Baby, tell me what’s on your heart today!” That makes us feel like you care and want to know us emotionally/spiritually. To us, talking and feeling heard IS intimacy. We have a drive to connect emotionally similar to how many husbands have a drive to want to connect sexually.
- not praying with us We long for that spiritual intimacy and your leadership so deeply, it is a very strong drive for us. If we are doing something that makes you feel disrespected – maybe you can gently, quietly and calmly ask us to change our approach. But it means THE WORLD to most of us when you say, “Let’s pray together.” If you’d rather pray in emails, or if you want to pray and have us pray silently along with you, or if you want to just put your hands on our head or back or shoulders and pray over us silently, or tell each other prayer requests and then pray quietly side by side – whatever way makes you feel comfortable – you could maybe suggest that.
- for many of us – if we leave the room upset, and you don’t follow us to check on us, we feel unloved. – I know you are doing the respectful thing and giving us time to chill out and calm down, but we may feel unloved! That’s why we follow you so disrespectfully when you leave the room, we are trying to be loving and show we care. We leave because we feel very unloved, and have become convinced you must not love us anymore. We don’t always get that your love is pretty stable. We think we can easily lose your love. Although, some women truly do want to be alone.
- not complimenting us – We are so verbal, and it seems like nothing at all to ask you to say, “You look beautiful/sexy/gorgeous” sometimes, once a month or once a week or something. I know that you may just not be very verbal. But – your genuine words of affirmation about our beauty and sexiness are life-giving to us. We cherish your compliments. A few ideas – “I love the way your eyes sparkle.” “Your hair is so soft and sexy.” “Your smile lights up the whole room! I’m the luckiest guy in the world to get to be married to you!” “That dress looks great on you!” “I love looking at you.” “I can’t wait to hold you in my arms – you are so beautiful!” “I love it when you wear your hair down/up/like that.” “That color brings out your beautiful eyes.”
- not going with us to church – We are wrong if we are preaching at you or nagging you about this. (Wives who are doing this need to repent to God and their husbands.) We want to share spirituality and worship with you. It means SO MUCH to us when you go with us to church.
- not answering a question – If you need more time to think, I believe if you could say, ”Sweetheart, I need to think about that and process it for awhile. Let’s talk about it tomorrow after we put the children to bed.” And then please follow up with her at that time – wives could be much more understanding of this. Saying nothing us feels VERY unloving!
- watching tv constantly and not looking at us when we long to talk with you (it makes us feel like the tv is your priority, not us.)
- working a lot of overtime -We don’t tend to measure your work as a way you show us love – even though you probably do! We measure time spent with us, talking with us, sharing feelings and emotions and being together more as a measure of your love. When we feel like you are at work 10-16 hours per day and have no time for us – we feel abandoned, unimportant and unloved. I know that you are trying to be the best provider – and that is AWESOME! But if we have money, and don’t have time with you – it doesn’t feel like love to us. We’d rather have TIME with you and not have so much stuff, usually, than have fancy things and no time together with you!
- rolling over and going to sleep when we are crying or upset – A man may feel like he just listened to his wife’s sea of negative emotions for the past hour or two and he can’t take anymore – it’s about to drown him! And she is still not done! He may need to sleep on things and process all the negative emotions overnight and clear his mind. (Men are biologically built to need to do this at times) BUT, if we are still crying or really upset – you rolling over and going to sleep screams, “I DON’T LOVE YOU AT ALL!” to us.
I would like to suggest saying something like, “Honey, I care VERY much about your feelings. I hate seeing you so upset. Come sit with me and let me pray for you, and then we are going to cuddle and get some rest and see how things look in the morning. It’s late – we are both tired. You are important to me. I love you. I’m not going anywhere. You are safe here with me. This issue is nowhere near as important or as big as our marriage covenant. We will work through it. God will give us wisdom. Don’t be afraid. I’m right here. Everything is going to be fine within the next 24 hours!” – then maybe hold her hand and put your arm around her while you pray for her. Wipe her tears. Look her in the eyes and kiss her lips tenderly. Take her hand, lead her to bed, tuck her in, cuddle with her for a few minutes/play with her hair/rub her back/hold your hand over her heart (this can be really calming for some of us) and reassure us one more time, “Everything is ok. I love you. We will work through this. You don’t have to worry. There’s no reason to be afraid. God is here with us. I’m here with you, and I am not going anywhere.”
Some suggestions about helping your wife be more brief with her emotional talking:
– It could be wise to make a “rule” that there is will be no “deep discussions” after 10:00pm. My husband did that, it was a very good idea!
– Ask her to give you the “bullet point version” or have her write out her thoughts in a summary/bullet-point fashion so that you can stay focused on what is most important to her and not have to have an ocean of details to swim through.
– Set a time limit. “I care very much about your feelings. I want to hear your heart. How about sharing with me and I will listen for the next 15 minutes or so – and then let’s spend some time just relaxing and enjoying each other.”
– Hold her, hug her while she talks. It’s really hard for a lot of wives to be upset when their husbands are holding them sweetly.
- wanting sex when we haven’t had a good emotional/spiritual connection in days – If we are not very warmed up to the thought of physical intimacy – try allowing us to talk and listening to us for 15-30 minutes. Pray with us. Talk about how emotionally connected you feel with us during sex. Turn off the electronics and focus on our hearts and souls. Maybe a massage or bath together could help us relax. And – doing some chores for us or helping with the children helps most of us A LOT!!!
- expecting us to work full time AND do ALL the housework and ALL the childcare every second when we are home – We are human, too. This is just TOO MUCH for most women to do and still have energy, respect and desire left for you, in my book. See what can be taken off her plate. Be willing to humbly help with the chores or taking care of the children.
- rejecting us sexually, refusing to touch us or kiss us – This HURTS VERY, VERY, VERY deeply! If we have done something disrespectful, please tell us gently and humbly how we have HURT you or caused you PAIN. We will probably respond to those words better than the word “disrespect.” Many of us do not connect with the words respect or disrespect at all – it just doesn’t make sense and often is not on our radar, sadly. But if you talk about feeling unloved or wounded emotionally – we can understand that and we will tend to want to apologize and make things right! If you are having medical issues – maybe you could at least verbalize your desire for us and still cuddle and kiss with us so that we know you still desire us, and then see the doctor as soon as you can, even though you don’t want to. Being sexually rejected by our spouse can be extremely painful, as I am sure many husbands are well aware.
- not helping with the kids – We love when you are involved as dads. Help us to understand that you are different from us, but that is ok if you don’t do everything just like we do if we tend to be critical of you as a dad. We love to see you play with the kids and enjoy them!
- looking at porn, lusting after other women, flirting with other women – Most of us are not visual like men are – and it is hard for us to identify with visual temptation because that is usually just not in our thinking processes at all. We take this personally as if there is something wrong with us. Sometimes we way overreact because we don’t understand how different men are from us. I wish that wives could be more empathetic about what men go through visually in our culture and be a safe place to talk about struggles and pray with their husbands. Some wives aren’t there yet. They need reassurance from you about your heart and attraction for them. Porn in particular can be quite devastating to wives. I pray that God might give resources and strength to men who are caught in pornography addiction and that He might give them wisdom how to best help their wives heal. Free Christian help for porn addiction. If our husband flirts with other women, it is very disrespectful to us and our marriage, please save all the flirting for us!
RELATED POSTS
Husbands Share What Feels Disrespectful to Them – This is what makes our men feel unloved!!!! IMPORTANT and SURPRISING stuff here, ladies! A husband who feels disrespected feels just as much pain as a wife who feels unloved!
Ways to Show Respect to Our Husbands – This is what makes our men feel admired, loved and like they are our heroes. These are comments from many different husbands about how much feeling respected makes them feel loved.
What Does Respect Look Like to Husbands? – dozens of practical ways we can show respect for our men in different areas of their lives.
The Respected Husband 
Howard Rosenbaum
12/23/2012
Reblogged this on WHY MARRIAGE MATTERS and commented:
Words of wisdom.
Mistreated
03/12/2013
My husband has been verbally and emotionally abusing me for years and the last thing he said to me this year 2013 in February, was… I don’t love you the way a husband should love his wife, I regret choosing you and I should have stayed with the one who got away. I only married you to have kids. I could go on, but I think that’s enough…
Imagine that…. : (
respectedhusband
03/12/2013
Mistreated, I am sorry for the experience you have had with your husband. Those things would definitely make someone feel unloved. I would refer you to look at my wife’s site, http://www.peacefulwife.com. Thanks for your comment.
Chris
10/11/2013
My first husband said that to me more than once before I filed for divorce. It has been 15 years and he still will not speak to me. He married a much younger woman and I think now realizes what he had and is angry I left.
Lesa
07/18/2015
Dear mistreated , you are not called to be a doormat , you are not called to be a punching bag verbally or emotionally or even physically! You are worth more than GOLD , you are a child of the king, stay in the word , do not bother to fight back and argue back. But put God above all mountains you may face. Let him and your faith be your shield be strong in the Lord . Don’t believe the lies of the enemy , your husband needs deliverance from his bitterness it seems. Pray for him. We were made to love. Show grace , mercy and compassion. But we were never called to be a door mat. When in life we repeat situations over and over that get us down and expect different results – it drives us to insanity . I know this all too well, because I am there. My kids hear their father say to me that I cause or start arguments so much now they say it to me. I feel trapped sometimes but my only hope is looking to what God thinks of me not what people assume of me. My husband disregards my priorities as unimportant – now my kids do , disrespecting and ignoring my authority . I feel disregarded and disconnected to them. But those hurt feelings are also a distraction to positive thinking and positive thinking is GOD thinking !! The enemy is using my own family and husband to disconnect me because I’m stronger in my faith than my husband . In 8 years he won’t pray with me but he will want to watch tv with me because that his priority . Being ignored is a form of abuse . We live together in the same house and he is just not that into me. We don’t have any kind of intimacy . We argue over the sky being blue . I feel I am so disconnected to him that simply walking into a room smiling at him would give him another reason to argue with me . If I hold out my hand for him to touch it he would say ” what are you doing that for or watch out I can’t see the TV . I cry every day and night for years. I pray over him , with him and … Nothing . I pray God can change my heart because lately I’m feeling like a doormat.
Peacefulwife
07/19/2015
Lesa,
Thanks for reaching out to Mistreated.
I don’t want anyone to be sinned against in any marriage ever! Sin causes so much pain and destruction. 😦
How is your walk with Christ going?
What happens when you share your concerns with your husband?
I may have a number of posts that might be helpful on my blog http://www.peacefulwife.com if you are interested.
Have you gone to try to find a godly wife mentor or a biblical counselor to help you? Is there any active addiction going on in the marriage, or abuse, or infidelity, or mental illness?
Was your husband always like this? Or when did things change?
How do you respond when you feel ignored and unloved?
Much love to you!
catelinah
05/07/2013
i have tried to give my husband all the respectful things he likes even after several beatings cause of an affair i had discovered. He will never be home early, i have ever gotten him in other several affairs and he still refuses to talk to me. He is in bars daily and tells me he was supervising work. If i insist to ask he gets angry and tells me bitter things and sleeps. Will this ever work. I have now refused sex with him for my safety because he has drained me out
peacefulwife
05/07/2013
Catelinah,
My goodness! You mean he literally hit you after you found he had an affair? When was the last affair?
Are either of you believers in Christ?
Does he have addictions or mental health issues?
If he is still actively involved in infidelity – please find a godly pastor or counselor to talk to!
Yes, we do need to take care of the sin in our own lives and learn to respect our husbands and cooperate with their leadership, unless they ask us to sin or condone sin. What is going on here from what I can tell sounds pretty severe. You are responsible to God to obey God as a wife, but if there is unrepentant infidelity going on, or violence or addictions to alcohol or something – you need outside godly help.
You cannot change your husband – no matter how respectful you are. You can obey God. God can change your husband. But please find experienced, godly Christian counseling!!! You are welcome to email me if you would like to!
Willneverbgoodenough
05/15/2013
This was a nice article. I think it hit a lot of good points. I have tried to talk to my husband about most of these at one time or another, but he always has an excuse. Usually it is one of the following; “when you start doing what I ask of you, I’ll think about reciprocating to you”,”you have enough of your own crazy issues to worry about right now, why don’t you go to the dr and get some pills for it”, “you didn’t even finish college, what do you know?”, “why did I marry you, you’re such a stupid ‘b'”, and lastly, my favorite, “you are the worst wife in the world, you are lazy, a cripple, and I hate having sex with you-you disgust me”. Sometimes I wish he would read things like this, but of course, it’s never “his fault”, so why would he? What do you do then?
peacefulwife
05/15/2013
Willneverbgoodenough,
I would love to invite you to visit my blog http://www.peacefulwife.com. It could be that God may want to draw you to Himself and change you first – and then use you as His partner to begin to breathe life and healing into the marriage. That is what happened in our marriage! God changed me first – A LOT. You are also welcome to email me if you would like to – I will be glad to point you to Christ, His Word and pray with you. 🙂 Much love to you!
tyron paul
08/10/2013
i like you to no that i am a husband who is very loving to my wife she is a christian but for some how she love to control an do not like me to be head of the home i work very hard for long hours when i reach at home she dose not even give me a kiss or ask me how was my day she is always saying she is going to church mondays wednesdays fridays an on saturday ,i always ask her let me take you out but she always make up some story an will not go with me she also will never ask me to go out i am marry to this woman for 17years i have 5 lovely kids with her but i am not happy because i do not feel she love me,what should i do please anyone.
peacefulwife
04/12/2014
Tyron Paul,
How are things going?
Janet
05/25/2013
Men & women are made differently, it just is. Women want what men are not capable of. I really feel I speak from experience. Women want, and we want & want emotionally! Women need & we need & need emotionally. Men make us feel like Our wants & needs are a burden. I feel women are learning more & more how to accommodate our wants & feelings to accommodate the man in our life. I am personally frustrated right now with my husband, I feel I have given all my wants & needs and put them completely in a hole in the ground tho keep my relationship. I’ve always felt I was at times a lucky women for the husband I have but sometimes I feel I tell people the good & emphasize because I have good qualities in my husband that other women would love to have, from what I have heard & learnt. In reality my husband always comes back to being the man of the house, the dominant. He would never be able to live with himself if he new how ture it is how he dominates our house.
My husband is a very popular, funny, considerate…..bla, blah blah,…… People love him but behind closed doors he is still typical, unfortunately a typical man. How this makes me feel at the end of the day Is low.
Maybe by trying to talk to him about say…. ANYTING!! Just sets him off but now I feel women are being taught how to change how they are to appease there husbands.. But men are being forgiven more for having to put up with us and we as women are being taught to suck it up. My Counsellor said if I am PMSing how can I deal with it differently to not fight with my husband. What I will never understand is how to deal with my PMSing & since I turned like 32 it’s only got worse. But this is my fault. My Physician said it will be a million dollar industry the day a pill comes out to help women with PMS.
My husband has owned an AUTOBODY shop for over 20 years, he loves fixing cars and making old cars new. I always say make me as I important as a car you love.
I could obviously vent forever right now but my true thought is?, How has life really changed for women over the last 50 years, we are more accepted having careers in society but are not forgiven at all on our family responsibilities and we still have to maintain it all.
Sincerely over tired & PMSing!
Jennifer
09/19/2013
Some men cannot love. No matter what you do or don’t do it won’t change anything. We women always blame ourselves when the blame rests solely on the cold husband. Seek your own well being first. He will either change or leave. Prepare yourself financially. Love yourself. He’s hurt you enough. Do not listen to anyone who tells you differently.
Libby Adams
11/02/2013
Well said.
Joseph
09/22/2014
That is good advice for men as well. Women are just as cold as men are.
Exasperated Husband
10/07/2014
” I always say make me as important as a car you love.” From a husband’s perspective, I’d imagine your next complaint would be that he was comparing you to his cars and you’re not a car. In short, it sounds like your desires and wants are insatiable. You want your cake and you want to eat it too. You want a man to work hard and take care of the family and you want a man to be at home waiting on you hand and foot taking care of all of your insatiable wants.
I am having a similar issue in my short marriage of a little less than 3 years. My wife always dreamed of being a stay at home mom. Being in her mid 30’s when we met, she feared that she would never marry and/or live out that dream. She is now living out that dream, but at what cost? In order for her to be a stay at home mom (which I support), it means I have to work, and work hard, which makes for many late evenings working and less time at home and energy to fulfill all of her insatiable wants.
I know this will be construed as sexist, but the problem is that women feel they come first in the relationship and they don’t. God is first, then whoever God has put in the leadership role (the “bread winner” in the relationship so to speak), then the needs of the spouse, and lastly the children. Take the president of the United States for example (pick your favorite president so as to not muddy the analogy). How many advisers, cabinet members, etc., are in his authority and provide him support so that he has all the necessary tools to lead the country? Although the president would argue that his number one job is keeping the American people safe (just like a husband would say the same about caring for his wife and children), how does he do it, by utilizing the authority afforded to him and all the tools and advisers necessary to fulfill that role. Likewise, if a husband is the leader of his household, it is important that he has the support of his wife and children in order to lead and care for his family, not the other way around. Sometimes a president has to make decisions that is not always popular but is to the best interest of the country.
Assuming that we’re speaking of a God-fearing husband who works hard, isn’t abusive, etc., then a husband should be given the space, deference, and respect needed to lead and love his family. Otherwise, he will never be able to fulfill his family’s insatiable wants, and the marriage will suffer accordingly, as mine is currently. Therefore, it is up to the wife, whether she is humble enough to submit to a Godly man and provide the support to help him continue in Godliness and lead without unnecessary grief.
Last point. As a husband, I can’t even begin to account for all the times I have held my peace when my wife publicly belittles me (usually unintentionally), makes unloving comments, or questions my decisions, or treats me like she’s my mother, or fails to maintain a halfway clean house, fails to initiate intimacy, etc. But if I make the slightest infraction, she is very quick to point it out and expect me to correct the problem. Unfortunately, the other extreme, that is women being treated like second class citizens, has created a new generation of women of entitlement, only to be very disappointment when their insatiable wants are not met.
Ida
10/22/2014
Janet, I wouldn’t say,”men are incapable”, they may be wanting to do, but just bad at it or they may not have good will for their wife (which is another very serious issue) but they are capable of anything, just like we are. It would be our part of the relationship to help him and give him grace (again, if he has good will toward you. If he doesn’t, you need to get out to a safe place and work it out from there)….
RW
06/21/2013
my husband is in another state working. he has rented a room at a mans house for the last 2 months. he has recently told me that living in this house is too much to bare anymore and he is finding another room. then goes on to tell me that he is going to move into a room in a house with his lesbian co worker and her girlfriend. and i objected of course, because lesbian or not i just do not feel comfortable with the situation. he says there is nothing that could possibly happen or go wrong…he shuts down the conversation when i try to talk calmly even, he says he has gone through too much and just wants out of this current home. he would only be there for 30 days he says, i am wondering if there is biblical ground for me to stand on here….i am very nervous inside and i feel like something isnt right. so i just need some help before he moves in a week. thank you
Chris
10/11/2013
send him there with ALL of his belongings and change the locks.
maya
07/28/2013
DoMy husband don’t care about me even today he left with out telling me he is so in to his job and studies he has forgotten me and my daughter he speaks every rudely we did had sex for more than 6 months he does even reach me i am so sick of this cam only 27 yrs what should iam
peacefulwife
08/03/2013
Maya,
Send me an email, please and we will talk about this!
In Christ,
April.
Rick@RomanticHusbands.com
08/12/2013
Dear Peaceful Wife,
I really appreciate your point of view. I think it’s very helpful for husbands to hear what behaviors are hurtful and counter productive in a marriage. I found your post very insightful. I enjoy reading your posts, even though they are targeted to women. I feel like there is not enough information out there to help husbands be more romantic and loving in their marriage.
I always like to look at things from a positive perspective and I would really like to see your thoughts on what a husband should do in a marriage to make their wives feel loved.
peacefulwife
08/13/2013
Rick,
Thanks! You know, I did post a list about the things a husband could do – it was a pretty thorough list – full of many different ideas. And I had several guys say the list was too overwhelming and “impossible” so I took it down and am trying to mostly just focus on the women.
If you are interested I think I can dig it up. 🙂
Rick@RomanticHusbands.com
08/13/2013
I am very interested in your thoughts on how to make a wife feel loved. I have my own thoughts but I am always looking for more ideas. I’m disappointed that my brothers found the list overwhelming.
Now that I think of it, when a wife gives a husband a list we assume that we must do everything on the list. I inevitably forget something and feel like I have disappointed my wife.
Women are use to list, like Cosmo’s 50 summer sex tips that will drive him wild! Where do they come up with them? Every month there is a new list…Not that I read them.
peacefulwife
08/13/2013
Ok! I made a list that was fairly comprehensive – thinking that these things may inspire some husbands in ways they hadn’t thought of before.
Here goes!
Let me see if I can give the guys some insight into a woman’s heart and mind. These are my thoughts, for whatever they are worth! I seek to base them on God’s Word. He alone has wisdom!
I welcome other perspectives and constructive, edifying comments, too. I am not claiming to be an expert here – but I do want to give godly husbands a woman’s perspective that may be helpful, a new angle, on this topic.
I believe that a woman’s respect for her husband has A LOT to do with her attraction to him – not everything – but if she has no respect for him, even if she is sexually attracted to him – they will not have a sustainable relationship.
A woman must see that she is safe with a man and he is trustworthy for her to be able to follow his leadership and respect him.
RESPECT and ATTRACTION
– a woman’s respect, trust, admiration and faith in a man can often create feelings of attraction IN HER towards him.
– a woman’s respect, trust, admiration and faith in a man often create feelings of attraction IN HIM towards her, as well.
WHAT IS IT THAT WOMEN RESPECT IN THEIR HUSBANDS? THIS IS KEY TO CREATING ATTRACTION IN MARRIAGE!
Some of these things will show up quickly, some will only show up over time as the relationship deepens. No man is going to do all of these things perfectly – but ask God if there are some of these things He would have you to focus on. Even just concentrating on one or two at a time can make a HUGE difference in your marriage! This is a life long process of sanctification and becoming holy.
CHRIST-LIKENESS
– confidence in Christ, a sense that he has a clear purpose in life and knows the direction God has for him
– knowing that Christ is his identity – and that he will not allow anyone or anything else to come before Jesus. Jesus is his LORD.
– leadership ability (not being a tyrant, but leading selflessly with humility and godly wisdom) – ladies, we have to be so careful here – we must make sure we are looking for – leadership as God’s Word describes it, not our own definition! Check out I Timothy 3 for a great description of masculine leadership – this is about church leaders – but it also applies to potential husbands. They will not be completely mature as leaders when they first marry, that will have to be ok! But they want to become more and more like Christ and learn to lead in a godly way. And they are showing fruit in that direction already.
– strong faith and trust in God
– quiet confidence in himself as a man
– a deep sense of purpose and mission in Christ (younger men may still be listening to figure this out!)
– the ability to be relaxed and playful with her, helping her step away from the pressure and details and just enjoy being together
– flirting – in a way that honors Christ and her, gentle teasing
– knows his gifts and talents and uses them wisely for God’s kingdom
– a heart that is 100% submitted to Jesus – seeking God’s will, not his own selfish will
– the sense that he is a spiritual rock – that she can look to him for spiritual strength and truth when she falters or is weak
– a fervent private prayer life
– willing and able to have deep discussions about emotional/spiritual things (This is how wives emotionally and spiritually connect and feel bonded and close to their husbands. This is how we perceive unity, oneness and intimacy.)
– he seeks to please Christ, not people – and is unshaken when people have negative opinions about him, as long as he is honoring Jesus
– will not change himself for her just because she wants him to change – is not putty in her hands. If he will constantly change to please her at her every whim – and is not – focused primarily on pleasing God – she will probably eventually lose respect for him.
– repents humbly when he sins against her or anyone else.
– stands for his convictions, even when she disagrees, even when she begs, even when she lashes out at him. He will not be moved if he believes he is doing what God’s Word instructs him to do in love.
– a Spirit-filled life (Galatians 5:22-23)
– genuine, godly humility – willingness to admit wrong, willingness to apologize and ask for forgiveness, a constant sense that God’s wisdom is much higher and more important than his own wisdom
– initiative spiritually, emotionally, relationally, financially and in other areas, too.
– strong work ethic. Is willing to provide financially for the family – if he is physically able.
– makes time for her – shows her that she is important and that he cherishes and adores her. He knows it is important to provide financially but it is also important to provide – emotionally and relationally and spiritually, as well.
– a spirit of power, love and self-control
– gentleness
– knows God’s Word, LIVES God’s Word, handles God’s Word wisely
– takes every thought captive and does not allow himself to be swayed by godless thoughts, lies, the enemy’s attack
– a knowledge that he will take her feelings and desires into account, but that he will always seek to honor God above her, even if that means he decides against her feelings at the time – that gives a woman great peace that she can be vulnerable with him, because he won’t allow her feelings to sway his convictions, but will do what he believes is right in the sight of God, even if she disagrees. THIS IS HUGE!
– willingness to listen to her
– concern for her well-being in every way
– protects her – she knows she is safe with him emotionally, spiritually, sexually (he will not force himself on her or dishonor God’s Word), financially, physically, mentally. He protects her from herself sometimes, and protects her from others who would harm her in some way, even protects her sanity by giving her wise advice about not taking on too much. – Protects her from any lies or deception that may be happening in her life.
– when she becomes overwhelmed with negative emotions – he stays steady, calm, gentle and helps to lead her out of her anxiety, fear, worry, sadness… He is not afraid of her emotions. He knows what to do when she is in emotional or spiritual crisis. He holds out his hand to her to come to him to find refuge under his wings. HUGE, HUGE, HUGE!
– if she does become disrespectful – he stays calm and gentle, and apologizes for any sin on his part. Then he helps her to get her bearings spiritually, calling her out on sin, humbly, gently, lovingly leading her back to truth and unity.
– when she becomes angry and fires verbal bullets at him – he recognizes her heart’s cry for his love. He does not run away! He realizes she feels unloved. So he takes the hit and comes towards her, unafraid of her torrent of emotion – willing to take her by the hand, pray with her, ease her fears and lead her to higher ground.
– knows TRUTH
– I Corinthians 13:4-8 love for her and others – and tangibly lives that out
– generosity – especially to the poor, orphans, widows, the sick, those in need
– responsibility – he takes responsibility for himself spiritually, she doesn’t feel like she has to “drag him to God.” He takes responsibility for himself financially and is – frugal and careful with money. She knows she can trust him in the little things and the big things and that he is reliable and faithful to his word
– honesty – speaking the truth in love
– willing to gently rebuke and correct her when she sins if necessary
– strong desire to pray with her and for her and others and lead her in prayer (ideally)
– a sincere love for their/her children
– a forgiving heart full of mercy and grace
– willing to leave his parents and cleave to her. He is a mature adult. He makes his own decisions. He may seek godly counsel, but his parents don’t control him.
This is not an exhaustive list!
THINGS THAT WOMEN DO NOT RESPECT
sin – basically!
– lust, pornography use, ogling other women – a lack of self-control
– selfishness – video games, tv, sports, other friends seem more important to him than his relationship with her
– addictions to anything
– putting her (or anything/ anyone) before Christ in his heart – idolatry
– putting his parents/children/friends/work above her in priority in his heart
– uncontrollable temper
– violence
– bitterness
– resentment
– complaining
– arguing
– irresponsibility with money or anything else
– greediness
– worldliness
– stonewalling – refusing to talk with her – this is usually interpreted as hatred by wives.
– refuses to work, get a job or help with the finances – when he is able bodied.
– can’t get along well with others
– fake-ness
– afraid of deep emotional or spiritual discussions
– allows his parents/ex/sister to control/manipulate him
– wants to please his mother/father more than God
– puts his relationship with her as a lower priority than other relationships the closer they get to marriage
– ALLOWS HER TO CHANGE HIM and to mold him into what she wants him to be – THIS WILL CAUSE HER TO HAVE CONTEMPT FOR HIM!
– PASSIVITY – this is one of the biggest things women don’t respect!
– domineering/controlling behavior that is self-centered and does not protect her and cherish her
– refusal to talk with her or to answer her, storms off when he is angry
– INDECISIVENESS – doesn’t know his mind, has no idea what he thinks – even when he has time to think about things – this is also HUGE!
– FEAR – especially if he is afraid of her, afraid of her response, afraid of her rejection, afraid of her strong opinions or objections. If he is afraid of her feelings and – emotions and runs when her emotions overwhelm her – she will feel alone and know she has to take care of herself and not follow him. He can’t handle her. HUGE, HUGE, HUGE! (This will probably show up in time, as the relationship progresses.)
– critical spirit – if he finds fault in her constantly and she can never be good enough
– arrogance – he never admits sin or fault, he is always “right” in his mind, he is not submitted to Christ but trusts self
– ignores her – doesn’t respond to her words, messages, texts, emails
– unloving attitudes, words, behavior
– apathy towards those in need
– a dislike for children
– If a woman doesn’t trust and respect God and tries to control Him – she will also not trust or respect her husband and she will try to control him as well. A woman’s level of respect and biblical submission, in my view, is a tangible indicator of the level of her respect for and submission to Christ.
So it is not all on the man to be like Christ. The wife also must trust God more than self and respect God and desire to obey His Word for His glory.
Rick@RomanticHusbands.com
08/14/2013
Wow…your list is fairly comprehensive. It’s more of a philosophy than a list. I may take some time and carefully review your “list” and provide you with my interpretation.
peacefulwife
08/14/2013
Rick,
Sure! That would be fine. I don’t currently have it published anywhere. But you are welcome to look at it and share your perspective.
Rick@RomanticHusbands.com
08/16/2013
Here is my interpretation of action items that a husband can do to make his wife feel loved. I would really like your feedback. I intend to publish or re-blog this on my blog, with your permission and acknowledgement.
Earn your wife’s respect. A wife’s respect for her husband has A LOT to do with her attraction to him – not everything – but if she has no respect for him, even if she is sexually attracted to him – they will not have a sustainable relationship.
Earn your wife’s trust. A woman must see that she is safe with a man and he is trustworthy for her to be able to follow his leadership and respect him.
Have confidence in Christ. Have a clear purpose in life and know the direction God has for you.
Be a leader, not a tyrant, but lead selflessly with humility and godly wisdom. A good leader possesses many of the following traits:
• Honesty
• Ability to Delegate
• Communication
• Sense of Humor
• Confidence
• Commitment
• Positive Attitude
• Creativity
• Intuition
• Ability to Inspire
Have a strong faith and trust in God.
Project a quiet confidence in yourself as a man.
Be relaxed and playful with your wife, help her step away from the pressure and details and just enjoy being together
Flirt with your wife in a gentle teasing way that honors Christ and her.
Know your talents and uses them wisely for God’s kingdom.
Be a spiritual rock that your wife can look to for spiritual strength and truth when she falters or is weak.
Develop a fervent private prayer life.
Be willing and able to have deep discussions about emotional/spiritual things (This is how wives emotionally and spiritually connect and feel bonded and close to their husbands. This is how wives perceive unity, oneness and intimacy).
Seeks to please Christ, not people – and be unshaken when people have negative opinions about you, as long as you are honoring Jesus.
Do not change yourself for your wife just because she wants you to change – do not be putty in her hands. If you constantly change to please your wife at her every whim – and you are not focused primarily on pleasing God – she will probably eventually lose respect for you.
Repent humbly when you sins against her or anyone else.
Stand for your convictions, even when your wife disagrees, even when she begs, even when she lashes out at you. Do not be moved if you believe you are doing what God’s Word instruct you to do in love.
Lead a Spirit-filled life (Galatians 5:22-23).
Be genuine and godly humble. Be willing to admit you were wrong. Be willing to apologize and ask for forgiveness. Be aware that God’s wisdom is much higher and more important than your own wisdom.
Initiate spiritually, emotionally, relationally and financially.
Display a strong work ethic. Work hard to provide financially for your family.
Make time for your wife. Show her that she is important and that you cherish and adore her. Know it is important to provide financially but it is also important to provide – emotionally and relationally and spiritually, as well.
Have a spirit of power, love and self-control.
Be gentle.
Know God’s Word, LIVE God’s Word and handle God’s Word wisely.
Take every thought captive and do not allow yourself to be swayed by godless thoughts, lies, the enemy’s attack.
Make sure your wife knows that you will take her feelings and desires into account.
Give your wife the opportunity to be vulnerable with you. Be willing to listen to your wife. However, don’t allow your wife’s feelings to sway your convictions, do what you believe is right in the sight of God, even if she disagrees. THIS IS HUGE!
Be concern for your wife’s well-being in every way.
Protect your wife. She needs to feel safe with her husband emotionally, spiritually, financially, physically, mentally and sexually (do not force yourself on her or dishonor God’s Word). Protects her from herself sometimes, and protect her from others who would harm her in some way, even protect her sanity by giving her wise advice about not taking on too much. Protect her from any lies or deception that may be happening in her life.
Be steady, calm, and gentle when she becomes overwhelmed with negative emotions.
Help lead her out of her anxiety, fear, worry, sadness…
Know what to do when she is in an emotional or spiritual crisis. Hold out your hand to her to come to you and find offer her refuge under your wings. HUGE, HUGE, HUGE!
If your wife does become disrespectful, stay calm and gentle, and apologizes for any sin on your part. Then helps her to get her bearings spiritually, calling her out on sin, humbly, gently, lovingly leading her back to truth and unity.
When your wife becomes angry and fires verbal bullets at you, recognize her heart’s cry for his love. Do not run away! Realize she feels unloved. Take the hit and comes towards her, unafraid of her torrent of emotion – willing to take her by the hand, pray with her, ease her fears and lead her to higher ground.
Be generous, especially to the poor, orphans, widows, the sick, those in need.
Take responsibility for yourself spiritually. Do not let your wife feel like she has to “drag you to God.”
Take responsibility for yourself financially and be frugal and careful with money. Let your wife know she can trust you in the little things and the big things and that you are reliable and faithful to your word.
Be honest speaking the truth in love.
Be willing to gently rebuke and correct your wife when she sins if necessary.
Have strong desire to pray with your wife and for your wife and others and lead her in prayer (ideally).
Sincerely love for your children.
Have a forgiving heart full of mercy and grace.
Be a mature adult and declare your independence from your parents and cling to your wife. Make your own decisions but seek godly counsel.
Do not let your parents control you.
Some of these things you should be doing already. Others will develop over time as your relationship with your wife deepens. No man is going to do all of these things perfectly – but ask God if there are some of these things He would have you to focus on. Even just concentrating on one or two at a time can make a HUGE difference in your marriage! This is a life long process of sanctification and becoming holy.
peacefulwife
08/18/2013
Rick, I hope to get to comment in more detail very soon!
In Christ,
April
http://www.peacefulwife.com
peacefulwife
08/21/2013
Rick,
Ok, I am going to comment in the body of your writing below
Thank you!!
April
http://www.peacefulwife.com
respectedhusband
08/27/2013
Hi Rick,
Do you mind if I add this comment as a post on here soon. You are welcome to reblog the original post as well.
Thanks,
Greg
Rick@RomanticHusbands.com
08/28/2013
Greg,
I would like to collaborate with you. Please email me at rick@romantichusbands.com.
m. hodge
08/26/2013
I feel disrespected and hurt by my husbands cold and controlling ways, he admits to his attractions to other women both past and present and how they are drawn to him, recently he was bragging about going bungy jumping with a few women who were topless while on a business trip, he was watching them and somehow he joined them, although it was many years ago, we were still muarried and it hurt. The worst part was how he smirked when i got upset, because my daughter in law was listening, he had an adience
peacefulwife
08/26/2013
M,
I am glad to talk with you, if you are interested! You may want to check out my blog http://www.peacefulwife.com.
Paul
09/07/2013
I had a very serious problem with my wife. She almost bangkrupt us by giving almost all my harus earned money for her parents So that they can buy branded goods etc. What i dont understand is that how could my wife sacrificed our family just So her parents can squander our money?
OverComer
10/17/2013
I am new to this site but appreciate the spiritual perspective because I am an avid reader who looks for truth. Well, I am a 41 yr old, first time married wife & have been married for 1 year now & I have seen the unemotional, detached husband surface already. My husband is 38yrs old & this is his 2nd marriage & we have his 14 & 15year old son & daughter F/T. Considering I was a single mom who raised 3 boys & 1 daughter, (all in college, 2 home) w/ the youngest being 20 ( whom he does not have to raise & he gets along with b/c they are independent & low maintenance.) We have endured ALOT of pain & hardships since our relationship started & we have been able to do ALOT of talking with minimal resolutions!
We’re both Christians, he is a minstrel in a church he hasn’t joined after 6 yrs…I left the church I was a member of to fellowship with him as a family. Now as a “Man of God” I thought I could expect certain things because of how important the covenant of marriage appeared to be to both of us but we have only prayed together maybe 5x since marriage, not very many can approach him about scripture b/c he feels most superior & confident in this area & to top it off, he expects me to deal with raising his kids & dealing with their mental, emotional issues & perverse spirits that was revealed when they moved in with me. I have been there diligently for my husband & his kids, w/o restoration or him covering me! He’s the disciplinarian but as far as nurturing, communicating, prayer & study with them, I do it. Beyond hello, he’s disgusted with his own kids. Now they have violated me in ways NO ONE EVER HAS…& that was a hard pill to swallow but I refused to be defeated. I also refuse to be a “single mom” in a marriage!
There’s other situations of emotional neglect, but let’s just say he does JUST ENOUGH like pay the rent, car insurance & cell phones (I pay the rest) so no one could possibly find out how much of a creep he is..appearance to CHURCH FOLK means EVERYTHING 2 HIS “FAMILY”! Of course & Thank God I’m cut from a different cloth called TRANSPARENCY so I’m used to being ostracized! There’s a lot here but trust there’s SO much more!
At the end of the day, we have not been in marital counseling only premarital & we’ve sought out mentors & had discussions with the pastors who married us (but of course not the Pastors from the church we attend). He’s not taking the risk of me telling the truth.
At this point, I think it’s best I lseparate until he wakes up & figures out that healing & deliverance is a must! I can’t standby & continue to be sick in my body from stress b/c he hasn’t fully accepted Gods Will for his life. I’m hands free on that!! Thx
peacefulwife
10/29/2013
Overcomer,
I invite you to my site for wives. Maybe we can talk and pray together about some of these difficult issues. 🙂
http://Www.peacefulwife.com
Leave me a comment there if you would like to talk some more. 🙂
Some of the posts at the top may be a good place to start.
It is wonderful to meet you!
peacefulwife
10/29/2013
Oh! And in the past two weeks, I have had a few posts about husbands being shut down that may help, too. 🙂
Me:(
10/30/2013
I got married when I was 17 and had my baby girl at 18 then I got pregnant at 19 had my baby boy at 20 I’m on the edge of divorcing him because he says that I don’t even do the 50% of the things ‘the women from the house’ supposed to do, he said that He doesn’t bring me flowers or do anything special to me because I’m not special he says that the only thing that makes him unhappy is me not being happy but chesse! I wonder why I’m not happy right?! I feel like a do too much and he says I don’t do anything I don’t know what to do anymore just live my days like this or go away
peacefulwife
11/03/2013
Me:(
I invite you to visit my site http://www.peacefulwife.com. And I invite you to talk with me if you would like to. 🙂
With love,
April
maratea
11/03/2013
Even though it was advised that wives who are are not happy in their marriages might not want to read this article, it was very helpful for me to read this post because the contents helped me realize that I am most certainly not alone in my desire to have more communication, openness, honesty and interaction from my husband. My husband seems to prefer his life “online” which creates distance. I have made myself crazy trying to understand why he seems to prefer communicating with strangers online rather than with me and he will spend an average of 6-8 hours a day in this online world, and it is doubly hurtful to find him continually seeking out and approving of crude humor, sexy avatars and pornography or even just other women’s profile pics! When I try to talk to him about how this makes me feel, he shouts me down until I leave, which leaves me feeling unloved and emotionally battered. I know that you can’t change another person, but I am still puzzled why I didn’t see this side of him when we were just getting to know each other. He would of never treated me with disdian or disrespect when we were dating. In fact, he would validate my feelings to the point of agreeing with me about the harmful effects of pornography! I feel like he lied to me when I was just getting to know him. He is not the person that I thought he was and quite often seems to just resent me.
peacefulwife
11/03/2013
Maratea,
I’m glad to meet you!
I’m so sorry to hear that things are going so poorly in your marriage. 😦
I invite you to visit my site http://www.peacefulwife.com and you are welcome to contact me if you would like to and we can chat sometime.
With love,
April
Rita Guess
12/22/2013
I often feel that way too. How did I not see the signs of behaviors I’m not willing to deal with. But to be honest with myself I did see red flag but ignored them and now I’m stuck with behaviors that I can’t live with much long. It’s the tantrums a grown man acting like a two year old is hard to deal with. I thought I could always make sure I say and do the right thing, but I can’t do it anymore. It’s very hard to walking on egg shells and taking all the responsibility for a grown mans out of control actions.
Amy
11/15/2013
I wish I had something constructive to say all the things my husband has done have been destructive. He ruined my life! We only had sex once my first last and only, He told me he hated me, sex anything marriage related. We’ve been married 45+ years and this has been going on all this time. We live like apartment dwelllers he eats and sleeps in the basement, he won’t talk to me ever and goes out of his way to ignore me. He has done everything he can to destroy our marriage and he doesn’t care.
peacefulwife
11/15/2013
Amy,
I am so sorry for the pain you have been through. It sounds unbelievably difficult.
Would you like to talk? If you would, I’m here. 🙂
Amy
06/17/2014
Thanks for the offer to talk, but I don’t think so. I guess my life is at a point where I just don’t care any more, about me or him. I’m just so tired of the disappointment! Were in our 60’s now and I’m waiting for it to all ends. One of us will pass on some time. I cry just writing and waiting the end.
Helpseeker
11/20/2013
It has been almost a decade of marriage and I and my wife
have had several (I mean SEVERAL) episodes where she says I don’t
love her. Of late my only words to her when we discuss this is “We
both have quite clearly mentioned and discussed our complaints and
problems. That is wonderful because we are lucky to have identified
and admitted the problem. How much longer do you want us both to
keep on repeating the same thing. Consider me to be a blind man and
show me the way rather than complaining that I keep getting lost”.
Now, that is how I ended up at this blog – I wanted to seek help.
About me – I am 38 years old. I am an independent market research
consultant (work is stress-free, flexible timing, money is good and
clients are happy). I am also a published writer of short-stories,
serious articles and plays (I was diagnosed for mild
bipolar-disorder). My mother never expressed her love physically
(no hugs, holding hands or kisses) and a lot of people have said
that this incapability to love comes from there. I am a Virgo (and
some people have said that this has added to the problem). I have
always excelled at everything including academics, music, writing
and theatre and I am extremely particular about punctuality and
organized ways (A few people have said that I am a Type A
personality). I am confused. All I want is peace and quiet at home.
Sometimes I feel I have achieved more than what many could desire
and want to run away from it all (I have attempted suicide once and
have left home twice – I came back because I don’t want to be
called a quitter and coward). My marriage was arranged (I haven’t
had any girlfriends or romances before that as I was too busy with
so many things). I am incapable of loving and am I am always upset
about one thing or the other around the house What do I do now?
Please help.
Rita Guess
12/22/2013
Clearly something was wrong with your mothers childhood and you should forgive and not blame her for your actions. You seem like a very smart person. Read books on building loving relationships and focus on your wife’s needs. What does being incapable of love mean to you or more importantly to your wife? Your mom probably thought hugs, holding hands or kisses were not safe for her. That’s my problem I know how to love people where they’re at and give them all of me and put my needs on the back burner. Love is easy. You find out how your mom chose to show you love the only way see knew how and rejoice and be thankful. Get good at expressing how to love you to your wife and give her a chance to learn your way. Love to me is trying to make the other person happy even though you mess up at times you agree to be respectful while trying to meet each others needs. I here because I will no long take full responsibility for a grown mans tantrum and bad behavior. You have to take responsibility for your actions and not blame anyone but yourself for how things turn out in your life. If you and your wife are better off apart that’s not be a quitter or giving up. It is what it is! It can only work if both of you want it to work. That’s where I’m at with my relationship it’s 100% or nothing.
peacefulwife
04/12/2014
Help seeker,
Do either of you have a relationship with Christ?
The resources I shared with Confused Husband may bring a lot of clarity to your situation as well, I believe.
I am so sorry to hear what a difficult background you have had. I know that Jesus is able to heal you and your marriage.
I am praying for you!!!!
Bob Smith
11/23/2013
hope it gets better soon.
Confused_Husband
12/29/2013
First of all could not agree more with all the points made on this website. Tough I am trying to come up with some ideas with my own marriage. My wife feels we don’t talk enough about ‘us’ and to be honest I feel she may be right. Tonight she brought it up and mentioned the words ‘trial separation’ and to me that is not an option. I love this woman more than life itself, I have passed on countless opportunities professionally to be at home with her and our 5 children every night. I have helped her overcome her issues from her youth and mentored her into a profession she can now call a career. I honestly don’t know what to do… She asks me all the time what makes me happy and from day 1, ten years ago to even today the thing that makes me happy is seeing her happy. To be honest I am not the worlds most interesting guy, I work my 60 hours a week and then I am home, i answer my calls from her anytime including meetings at work and I always have dropped what it is I am doing to listen to her. I am in no means the most perfect person but I like to think that i try. My wife means the absolute world to me and any ideas/ input would be greatly appreciated.
peacefulwife
01/09/2014
Sounds like you are doing a great job. I agree that when the wife is happy everything seems easier or better. Probably a tough thing to get her to do but would she read my wife’s blog, peacefulwife.com. All I can encourage you to do is to continue to sacrifice self daily and continue to show true love to her. Best of luck
peacefulwife
04/12/2014
Confused husband,
How are things going with you? Have you been able to stay together?
peacefulwife
04/12/2014
Confused husband,
Maybe she just wants to have more face to face time to feel connected emotionally and spiritually to you? Check out Jeff Feldhahn’s book “For Men Only” – it does a fantastic job of explaining how women think and feel in marriage. Your wife may like “For Women Only” by Shaunti Feldhahn, too. It helped me understand my husband and other men so much more clearly!
Men and women are VERY, VERY different, much more so than most of us would ever imagine.
When we understand each other, we can avoid assuming evil motives of each other and empathize instead.
Another book that you may want to suggest reading together would be Love and Reapect by Dr. Emerson eggerichs. It explains how Ephesians 5:22-33 is God’s design for marriage because men need respect and women need love. He explains how a husband’s love motivates his wife’s respect and a wife’s respect motivates her husbnd’s love. Very balanced and helpful! It was the book God used to open my eyes to see that I had not been respecting my husband well, even though I thought I had.
Another amazing resource is Grace Filled Marriage by Dr. Tim Keller.
Praying for you!
Confused_Husband
10/07/2014
Sorry I have not replied in a while, time seems to slip away from the best of us. Much progress has been made with my wife, as she suffers from Bi-Polar and crones her moods are not always the best. After doing much research on the topic of bi-polar and how to support and deal with a loved one with bi-polar I am now able to handle my wife quite easily. The days are still long and the 5 children s needs are still never ending. But from when I first published the first comment I thought to myself not what the immediate issues are from a relationship issue but looked at what the bigger issues are behind those actions she was speaking of. After successfully accomplishing this we are in a much better place. There are one or two things to fix along the way such as my anxiety which as I previously stated no on is perfect, but I am a big believer in finding fault in yourself before finding fault in others. I also think the other thing that makes things hard for her is not having any family near her here in Australia. So for our 10th anniversary I have decided to take her back to the U.S. So she can catch up with her family so in a way this will remind her of what she left behind and what we have created together.
Jesus Freak
01/04/2014
Jesus said “If anyone look at anyone with lust he has committed adultery”. So we can continue making excuses for our men, and our women as well, with this it doesn’t matter where we get our appetites from as long as we eat at home crap!… but the truth is the truth.
Tired Wife
02/01/2014
I’ve been married 20 years & have 2 children with my husband. It has been a difficult journey due to issues I was not aware of before I married him. He has ADHD, OCD and Anxiety Disorder. He is currently on medication, the years he wasn’t was pure hell. He is self-absorbed and lacks empathy or communication. Our relationship and his relationship with his children is almost non-existent. I have been patient, always putting myself and my needs on the back burner just to keep peace. Everything in our lives has to be on his terms. My patience is wearing thin and I am thinking of leaving. Any advice?
peacefulwife
03/25/2014
Tiredwife,
I invite you to check out my blog http://www.peacefulwife.com
But, please do keep in mind that these issues ADHD, OCD and Anxiety Disorder will definitely make things more complicated. Still, with God, all things are possible! There is much reason for hope in Christ.
Much love to you!
Dimpeethapa
03/24/2014
My husbznx is very silent sometimes its very hard to understand him bt hw says he loves me and cannot leave me alone bt he cannot express his love towards me and sometimes i really feel unsecured please suggest
peacefulwife
03/25/2014
Dimpeethapa,
It is great to meet you! 🙂
I have many posts about issues like this on my blog http://www.peacefulwife.com. You are welcome to check it out!
You may want to search:
– husband emotions
– husband quiet
– idol
– idolatry
– insecurity
– security
What is your relationship with Christ?
Does your husband have a relationship with Christ?
I’m glad to talk with you!!!
Much love,
April
Jessica
04/05/2014
It is like you live inside my heart and mind all at the same time. That is just how I feel. I know you said for discouraged women to not read it but my relationships with God and my husband are strong and I can handle it. What a great article. It will help men to see their wives are not crazy and other women think the same way. Poor men!
Angy Kapoor
04/12/2014
What a great article! I know that you said if you are resentful in your marriage right now–don’t read it. But I would say, it is exactly the reason why I am reading this article. This article is just so true and shows so real picture of women inside me, that I can not express. I am not sure if all women feel the same way I do, but while reading this article, it felt like someone is just reading my mind.
As far as my married life is concerned, the more I am getting to know my husband, the more he is being disrespectful to me. In the beginning of our marriage, I tried to be super patient with him and deal very politely with problems like his short temper, favoring his family over me, etc…But, everyone has a threshold, it feels like i cant take it anymore. My husband just misses to do even very little things that can make a huge difference in a relationship. He just does not pay attention when I talk to him, never compliment me—he does not hesitate to say if for some reason my hair is not fixed or dress is not that good but is always hesitating to say when I am looking good.The worst thing that he does is that he goes to sleep if I am upset or even crying. It just feels so unloved and disrespectful that I don’t have words to say.
I wish my husband can read this article and try to understand me, I love him so much, but I don’t know for how long I can hold myself.
Thanks for the article, it make me feel so good that I am not he only women that thinks this way…
peacefulwife
04/12/2014
Angy,
It is a pleasure to meet you!
I’d like to invite you to my blog where I can help you see inside your husband’s head and heart the way this post helps men see inside their wives’ hearts and minds. 🙂
Maybe we can talk about what is going on?
Do either of you have a relationship with Christ?
There are some posts at the top of my home page about disrespect and respect that may be eye-opening for a lot of wives. This stuff sure was for me 5 years ago! You can also read my about page and you can search my timeline and search by topic on the right side of my blog. I have a lot of posts that help explain how husbands think and why they act the way they do and how we can become the wives God calls us to be and bless our husbands in ways that inspire them. Many times, as we do these things, and our husbands feel we understand them and their deepest masculine needs, it helps us get out of the crazy cycle in marriage where we feel unloved and they feel disrespected and helps things get on track.
I believe you will find a lot of answers there. 🙂
Much love!
April
peacefulwife
04/12/2014
Oh! my blog is http://www.peacefulwife.com 🙂
navneet kapur
04/15/2014
I am in same boat 😰
Mylene Tabora
04/25/2014
I am feeling lost right now, because I decided to give up the relationship with my husband who doesn’t respect me andvthe things that makes me happy, he inconsiderate and always jealous even I’m not doing anything, he always thought I’m so unfair for sometimes not doing all he want, he don’t want me meeting my friends or even my relatives sometimes, even having an account facebook, he always forcing that I’m doing bad eventhough, I am really fair and I don’t know he always want his words to be followed! It’s just hurt because it’s like I’m criminal accusing of what I’m not the one doing the crime! I’m tired, I’ve had enough! I feel lost because I don’t know how to start, knowing that I don’t have a job because he don’t want me to have, he always jealous with no reason! Help me!
peacefulwife
05/03/2014
Mylene,
I would like to invite you to my blog, http://www.peacefulwife.com. In believe you will find the help you need there. 🙂
Mike
05/25/2014
If the author highly recommended that wives should not read this article, why are so many reading and commenting on it, and then pointing out in public all the things they do not like about their husbands. Comment after comment. Men and women struggle in different ways. There are things that are natural for wives to do well in marriage and there are things it is natural for husbands to do well in marriage. We cannot expect the same from our partner. I read this because I struggle to love my wife well consistently and want to grow.
Unknown
07/09/2014
I am a first time mother. My daughter is five months old. Since I became pregnant with her our relationship has fallen apart. I don’t feel connected emotionally towards my husband. He comes home from work I try to greet him with a kiss and hug he tells me he is too dirty and walks away. After his shower if he sees just one thing out of order he tells me I don’t do anything all day I just sit on my ass while he works. As I said before my little girl is five months and there is a lot more than housework going on in my day. He just doesn’t realize how much I have to do in a day and sometimes it’s impossible, sometimes I don’t feel up to a days housework and trying to juggle my day with daughter. He has been physically abusive towards me. He has been verbally and mentally abusive I just don’t feel love and affection towards him anymore. I have tried and tried it just keeps getting worse I think my marriage is over or it will never be healthy if it continues. It has got to the point I think of a relationship where I was happy… He kissed me, we locked eyes, he held me and cuddled me, told me how beautiful I was told me that I was his everything and now I get this after having such a wonderful relationship I get this. I feel so alone. This isn’t how I pictured myself as a wife. Where did I go wrong. I miss the feeling of being important to someone. Now I’m nothing but a housewife who can’t do their chores cause I’m a lazy bitch…. And I’m such a cunt and stupid. I want to be happy again.
peacefulwife
07/10/2014
Unknown,
My heart breaks for you!!! PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE seek godly counseling. The issues that are going on here are severe. You are going to need outside help, my sweet girl. I pray that you might experience the love of Christ and the peace and joy and wholeness and healing He offers you. You may want to check out my blog, http://www.peacefulwife.com. But – if there is physical abuse and you are not safe, please seek help. God is able to heal any situation. He may heal your marriage as you seek Him. I don’t know. But I do know He is able to heal YOU and that is my primary concern at this point. I am praying for you!!!
Emily Hernandez
07/13/2014
Hello. I have been with my husband 3 years and married almost 2 years in September. I feel as though he can be a very selfish man. I felt hurt and unloved with him. We separated in January and I found myself and started loving myself through Christ. I have been so happy. Recently, me and my husband have been dating again and I have fallen Inlove with him all over again. My husband has not attend church and I don’t think he knows Christ. I know that’s not nice to say but I do feel that he has the same tendencies. I don’t want to be hurt anymore and I REALLY am ready to make this work and move forward in my marriage. I am suppose to move in his new place at the end of the month and I don’t know what to feel. Lately, I haven’t seen him as much because he has not set priorities and boundaries with the life he lived without me since we have been separated. I really would love advice on how to proceed with my marriage.
Myrtle
08/27/2014
Feeling used, I have been here for my husband during some very difficult times and I work full time, I am always trying to find ways to help him out when thing get tough,how ever it seems I always end up being the one who gets dumped on, I pray a lot I am Saved thanks be to Jesus. And so is he but my faith and love for Christ is stronger, I did leave him once but came back to try and work things out but it hasn’t changed, some days are ok but he hides things from me, he lies to me thinking I won’t find out, he takes all his call out side or where he thinks I will not over hear, he always tells me that he don’t have money so I try to keep up, yet he always has money and I am broke, he has his account and I have ours, I never know what he has, I feel unloved and used, he does nothing but complain about everything, if I am putting things away in cabinets I am making to much noise, nothing is good enough for him, it’s his way..as he puts it , he is always right I am wrong , that’s it, we went to counciling and I was told that I need to compromise, still praying, feeling used
Gina
09/10/2014
My husband makes me so angry. He makes me feel like a failure and that my life has no self worth. I have been looking for job for the past 2 years now, and haven’t found anything. I pray all the time, but I don’t know if I have gotten an answer. My husband is a controlling person, he has abuse me verbally for almost 8 years. I don’t believe in divorce, but I’m sick and tired of being unhappy. In 2003 my husband and i were going to split up, because i found all of these porn site, emails, and phone calls from other women. So I had an affair and didn’t tell him until 2006, because I was afraid. I only told him because God says that we should not lie to one another, so that’s exactly what I was doing. He the kind of man that says do as I say and not as I do. Sometimes I think about committing suicide because the struggling is so strong sometimes. I try and stay for my kids, and because I don’t have a job. I feel stuck abut a lot of things. I need some advise.
Peacefulwife
09/10/2014
Gina,
If you are seriously considering harming yourself or if you or your kids are in danger from your husband,
Please, please seek help! There is hope for you, but I believe you are going to need someone to help you in person. Please check with The Salvation Army or a local Bible teaching church. Depending on the situation, you may need to involve the police if your husband is threatening to hurt you.
Do you have a pastor you trust? Can you talk to him?
What is your relationship with Christ?
I want to see your marriage healed. But first, you need healing, my precious girl!
Much love to you!!
April
Mrs Unloved
09/29/2014
This was a great article and very helpful for me at this stage in my marriage. I have been married since feb 2014. When I met my husband I fell deeply in love with him for who he is as a person. I feel deep down he is a great man and I wanted to grow with him in every way. Since we have been married things have turned very ugly. He has lied to me more then a dozen times regarding a wide range of issues. He is a compulsive liar and I do not trust him at this point. I find this very sad seeing as he was everything I wanted in a husband he is driven not lazy.. he does not party.. drink.. smoke ..curse ..he attends church. He is a 20 year navy vet and I believe he has alot of pride and bitterness in his heart, The list you wrote above concerning things NOT to do to your wife he has basically done to me for the exception of watching porn that i know of he does not do.. He has lied about contacting other women and has admitted to thinking of his ex girlfriend. He has rejected me in every way possible and has now started withholding sex. I believe he resents me because as of a month ago I have lost all means of income outside of the home because I was injured in a car accident where i was ran over as a pedestrian and now I have a major surgery scheduled in one week. I can barely walk!! and he looks and treats me like I have a communicable disease. Last night i asked him to buy me a cheeseburger and he asked me if i had any money?!! He claimed not to have any money on him as we were coming home from church however when we arrived home he never offered to get money from the house. He criticizes me.. nothing I do is right. He knew I was injured before he married me as the injury is 3 years old and I have tried every conservative method to rehab without going under the knife however was recently advised that I must do this surgery or else I wont be able to walk. I am 37 years old. a former police woman and owned a business that i operated from home. I now can not do anything due to the pain in my spine. Before my accident I was getting prepped to do missions work in the west Indies of which he was aware of and said he would support me and go with me. He now says he has changed his mind. Its almost like he said all the right things to marry me and now things are very different. We both have adults kids so we don’t have little ones all of our kids are off to college. I am a educated, attractive, fun loving woman who was at the peak of life before this horrific accident happened to me. I was ran over by a car for Gods sake! Its not like i had a choice in the matter! I feel my husband punishes me now because I cant pay half of the bills. Recently I told him that I would need a few hundred dollars to pay my car note and a few misc bills so that my account would not be over drafted. he turned to me and said he didn’t have it (he does have it I know what he brings in) he never tried to come up with a way to move money around he has once again rejected and treated me very poorly. What a very sad thing to go through when your facing a major 6 hr surgery and being told you will be in a wheel chair for 3 months. He’s calculated … cold and heartless and the only time he is intimate is if he wants sex…. no emotional intimacy at all. He has admitted to bringing over past issues from his previous marriage!!! I consider myself an available communicator I have spoken to him about how this hurts me we are currently in counseling with a christian man however things have not changed. We are also being counseled by our pastors things still have not changed he dresses up in his Sundays best and puts on a great front in church but when we are home he is emotionally abusive , distant. recently his ex called at 2am and when i confronted him he became upset i took his phone to call her for answers and he shoved me in an attempt to take his phone i did eventually talk to the ex in no way do i feel he is having an affair but considering his integrity issues i feel this is just a matter of time. I now live out of state away from my family I have been hurt time and time again by this man and the only thing keeping me here is my love for the Lord. Everyone keeps telling me to trust God trust God I understand this and I want to deeply… however I cant help but to wonder if God really wants me to be with a man that does not treat me as his “Garment..(“Malachi 2:14-16) or protect and honor me as his wife. I believe that GOD can change any situation however I feel that we are free moral agents and .it is up to the person Husband/wife to make the change within their heart if they decide not to turn from their wicked ways it makes the other spouse feel like its time to leave the relationship. I know God will still love and bless me if I move on I know its not his best for me to divorce…however at this point I need to save myself from the narcissist actions of the man I married…its hurting be physically and emotionally…. God bless you all who are hurting at the hands of the person who is called to love and protect you!
Peacefulwife
09/30/2014
Mrs. Unloved,
My goodness! What a difficult time. 😦 I am SO sorry you were hit by a car! That is awful! I can’t imagine the pain you must be experiencing. Is it possible that he may be not having sex with you because of your injuries – and that sex may hurt you further?
What are your counselors suggesting for you to do?
How is your walk with Christ?
Marriage is a covenant – I hope you might search my blog http://www.peacefulwife.com for some key words:
– divorce
– covenant
I pray for God’s wisdom for you for this difficult situation.
Did y’all talk about finances before you got married? You were going to keep finances separate?
What was his first marriage like?
What was his parents’ marriage like?
What was your parents’ marriage like?
How do you respond when you feel so unloved?
I invite you to read the posts at the top of my home page on my blog and I am praying for God’s healing for you both!
Pastor Joe Quatrone, Jr.
10/17/2014
Excellent!
Tiffany brad
11/05/2014
I have done all theses things I don’t no what else to say to him do I have tried to set down talk things out and all he says is here we go again .. We hardly have any sex it’s weird he will be on net all go a sudden he wants it but when I do he don’t plays as if it’s going to happen later on in the bed room but when I get a shower he turns tv off and say I’m tired or say nothing at all he always sleeps on cough say he can’t sleep in bed he try’s but always ends up on cough I feel there is much more going on does any one have advice for me
Angel90
11/05/2014
Why is it so hard for a marriage ? why can’t it be easy ? I feel un loved for about 2 years now my husband has changed not the man I married he hides his phone never leaves it laying down thSt started about two years ago he goes to church we use to go together but things always comes up I can’t go one minute out of his mouth we should go together but when he’s making sure the church is safe how we going to get a message that way together so I choose to watch on line but I feel he talks to other women and I think he’s to friendly his excuse is I’m only giving advice we’ll I can go on but I’m not
rawr
01/11/2015
Makes them feel unloved but also keeps them wanting more. The men who appease their wives get dumped. Until women break their patterns of abusing men who are good to them them the men who stay with them will always make them feel unloved.
Peacefulwife
01/12/2015
rawr,
That is what my blog is about – how women can honor and respect their husbands and treat them in a healthy, good, productive way that blesses their husbands. You are welcome to check it out. I have some posts at the top of my home page about disrespect and respect, in fact. http://www.peacefulwife.com
Lorie
01/17/2015
Hi, i want to thank you for this article. I shared this in our couple’s Bible study last year, and we indeed learned a lot from the discussion we had. Each couple shared their insights and experiences related to this article.
I am currently in a country where open worship to our God is prohibited, nonetheless through God’s grace we find ways to meet together and learn more about how it is to have God in the center of our marriage and to grow and mature in the God given roles we have as husbands and wives, more so as parents.
My husband and I were currently assigned to lead the Couple’s Bible Study this year, and to my surprise, they have requested that i should share this article again plus we will have an evaluation on how each couple have applied what they have learned from last year.
I personally am very grateful for this opportunity to be a channel of information to others. Yet honestly I am quite struggling.. first because i consider myself inexperienced (we just got married last April 2013), and the lack of resources.. May i then ask if you could give us insights on how to go about our task.. on topics we could consider, or articles we could share, or any other material that can help couple’s grow more in love with God and with each other.
Thank you so much!
Peacefulwife
01/17/2015
Lorie,
I am excited about this opportunity you and your husband have! 🙂
I would also suggest sharing a post on ways a husband can love his wife (My husband has a series on this)
And, I would suggest sharing some posts about how women can disrespect their husbands, how they can respect their husbands, and what biblical submission is. I have posts about this at the top of my home page http://www.peacefulwife.com – you are welcome to share those as well.
The post, “Spiritual Authority” at the top of my home page would also be an amazing one to share by a minister from our church. A great foundation for husbands and wives to learn about God’s design for spiritual authority in our lives and in our marriages.
Much love to you!
mitzi c koehl
02/26/2015
my husband and I do not live together he has gotton more distant doesn’t seem to want to listen to me on top of all this, he lets his family interfere it’s always been that way he lives with his mom and me with mine she is controlling won’t let me do anything my life sucks
maga yumum
06/09/2015
my husband and i belong to same age. we are now 24 years old. he told me every time such as why u dressed up like this even i wear simple, dont put lipstic and kajal and never ever told me to study but always stand there for support his younger sister even she wear short halfpant , dark lipstic or kajol. this all make me felt that m i noting for him. i think his love is there for his mom and sister but not for me. and i just feel his family also don’t give attention to me. why it happen ?… please help me!!!!!….
Peacefulwife
06/11/2015
Maga Yumum,
This is Peacefulwife – April. 🙂
I am not sure why your husband seems to support his sister. I don’t know that what you are describing means that he doesn’t love you. What is your relationship like? What do you do together? How do you get along? What does he say to you?
Much love!
April
nah7
07/16/2015
would it be disrespectful to send this to my husband if he doesnt do these things? Or would he feel obligated to do them just because i asked him too, or would it be a good idea to say hunny can you look over this for me so you might better understand some things i need from you?
Peacefulwife
07/16/2015
Nah7,
Well, I have a suggestion for you, my sister! How about checking out the post at the top of my blog first, “Husbands Share What Is Disrespectful to Them” and ask God to show you anything He may want you to change first? Maybe you could even print out the list and ask your husband to check the things that he personally feels disrespected by.
And ask God to reveal any sin in your heart that He wants you to work on before you address issues in your husband’s life (Matt. 7:1-5).
Much love to you!