Sometimes, being a passive husband, I sit back and think about just how hard it must be for my wife to understand me. I have so many quirky things about my personality and the way I communicate that in all reality probably do not make sense. For many things, I react very much under the foreign language that could be called the “man code” system of honor and respect. If that isn’t confusing enough, throw in my passive tendencies and you get a hyper version of honor and respect where most of the battles take place in my head and little comes out of my mouth. It might be better described by saying that everything I say and do is extremely thought out and measured to cause the least conflict. I protect the thoughts that go on in my head and I find security and safety in limiting how much knowledge I share. Yea, see I told you it was pretty screwed up. It cannot be easy for my wife to try to figure me out with all of that dysfunction going on. Surprisingly, though, I find that many of you and many of the husbands of the wives that read her blog are very much like me.
In a national survey conducted by Decision Analysts, Inc. they asked the question, “In the middle of a conflict on a day-to-day issue with your wife do you feel that your wife doesn’t respect you or doesn’t love you? Four out of every five men chose that their wife didn’t respect them at that moment. It may seem odd that men would choose respect as the broken link in the chain and not love.
In my own experience, I find that during a conflict with my wife my own dysfunctional communication style often battles with my ability to resolve the issue. My attempts to limit what I say will often lead me on a path that gets quieter and quieter as the conflict increases. This usually frustrates my wife and she may even turn up the volume (words, emotions, sound) during the conflict. The increase in volume creates a feeling where I just want to remove myself from the conflict. My mind says that the honorable thing for me to do is to withdraw and shutdown. That seems innocent enough because I do not say anything I might regret later and I am not pushing the conflict higher. The problem is that I haven’t resolved the conflict, my wife is feeling incredibly unloved, and the thoughts in my head haven’t gone anywhere.
Ladies, I know that you are probably thinking at this point, “Why should I even try? Am I just supposed to take care of everything in the household and then not say anything to my husband because he might feel disrespected? Will I not just be a doormat by coddling his stubborn demeanor?” The best that I can do to describe the difference is that where as a woman has a deep desire to feel loved a man has a deep desire to feel respected. When a man doesn’t feel respected it is extremely hard for him to show love. So, likewise, when a woman doesn’t feel loved it is hard for her to respect her husband. There lies a big problem because as each feels the kryptonite from the other spouse it is harder and harder for them to get out of the cycle (Crazy Cycle).
Is it fair? Truthfully, no. Should a spouse go out of their way to try to bring out the best in their partner? Hopefully. It would be best if it was a two way street. To get to a two way street situation it usually takes one spouse dying to self.
What are some things that women can keep in mind to help a passive husband during conflict?
Treat him as an emotional equal
I think sometimes women look at their husbands as being physically bigger and stronger and take the approach that they should be able to handle anything that they throw at them. Words hurt him as much or more so than they do you. He may not respond in a very vocal fashion but I can assure you that the thoughts that you have relayed are filling his mind.
Treat him like a man and not like a girlfriend
Women friends will often talk their way through a conflict. This will usually involve putting some very personal issues on the table and then finding resolution. When a man works through a conflict with another man it is conducted under an unwritten honor code. Men are careful to keep the discussion within the boundaries and are careful to keep from drawing a flag. While it might seem normal for a wife to go about a discussion in the same way she might a girlfriend, it can be taken by a husband that she is being disrespectful. So, the idea is to be able to state the problem in as unemotional way as you can and then let it go. If your husband doesn’t give you an immediate reaction, then that is okay and he is probably processing it in his mind. His failure to show a reaction is often frustrating but it is not a good time to twist the dagger by adding an insult or lash of anger. His approach to the issue may be resolved completely different than you and may take more time.
Understand your weapons
When a man feels that his wife is either unhappy or disappointed with him he is ready to stop the conflict. Those weapons are like a punch to the gut or sometimes a knockout punch to a husband. He feels like a failure and this may quickly lead to his withdrawal. This doesn’t mean that a wife should put on a fake smile all of the time. She should just understand that expressing those feelings in a strong way will have detrimental effects on her husband. He truly usually wants you to be happy, so while the disappointment may be over an issue the feeling that you are unhappy or disappointed in him is the problem that he fears most.
Negative emotions and combative words are overpowering
While not all men may respond this way, passive men feel overpowered by negative emotions and combative words during a conflict. While this may not be apparent during the discussion, the passive husband will have a ticking time bomb of thoughts, feelings, and emotions going on inside his head.
Loaded Questions
After all of this, it probably seems impossible to communicate with a passive husband. While I will admit it is difficult I do not think it is impossible. A passive husband needs lot of time during a discussion that may make a simple issue take a few days to conclude. The more the discussion is kept on a factual basis and not from an emotional stance the easier it will be for him to participate. Sometimes, a wife will work through an issue for a long time before bringing it to her husband’s attention. If the issue is presented to him where he would feel like a dummy to favor the other side of the argument, then he may feel agitated that he is put in a position where he may favor the other side of the issue but not have the time to provide a clear argument.
I hope there might be something here that might be helpful in understanding the passive thought process. Passive men rarely want to be part of the problem but sometimes that dysfunction is the problem. The more we can learn to understand the thought processes and the quirks the better we might be at communicating with our spouses.
The Respected Husband 
KE
06/10/2015
On point! Thanks so much for writing this. My husband and I have been together for 24+ years and this is a lesson that has taken me ages to learn. The first three-fourths of our relationship was wrought with struggle, bitterness, resentment, anger, and oodles of misunderstandings…now that we both understand each other better and have adopted a “respect him/love her” philosophy (who knew God had it right all along?!) our marriage and relationship has blossomed! My husband even commented to me, recently, that I am much more easier to live with…now. Hahaha! While very hard at first adjusting to this new idea…it’s not impossible! Trust me…it does get better and easier. What used to take planning and forethought to execute, has now become second nature. Do we still make mistakes? Of course…but it’s much easier to recognize it, apologize to him/her and ask for forgiveness, and pray for God’s assistance. Keep at it, fellow couples. It’s totally worth it! Thanks again, Respected Husband!!
Peacefulwife
06/11/2015
Love this, KE! 🙂 Thanks so much for sharing!
Vanover, Kenneth (USMS)
06/10/2015
Interesting
respectedhusband
06/10/2015
That is not really an area I focus on here.
jc
06/10/2015
I see the passivity avoidance rather than by nature. I think you alluded to that when wanting to retreat to avoid escalation or hurt (to oneself and the spouse).
jc
06/10/2015
I meant, passivity AS avoidance….
elovesc34
06/10/2015
Good post, Greg, I see you have been in my head.
Landry
06/10/2015
If you’re a passive man, you’re off the hook? Maybe this should cover advice for a passive man on how to engage with his wife. Empower these men or teach them how to lead. If anyone told me to “state my problem” and then “let it go” I’d be insulted. Tells me that my problem is dumb and irrelevant. To expect that a wife would accept this treatment from her Christian husband is surprising. Instead of covering what a woman can do in this situation, maybe cover what a MAN can do other than blame his wife and live in self-justified pity and fear. I checked your wife’s site; she only instructs women what to do, even if the husband is unloving. Maybe this site could tell MEN what to do in accordance with their biblical responsibilities. Maybe there is a Bible verse that tells men to pass off their responsibilities to their wives or to expect their wives to coddle them and enable their insecurities, but I cant’ find one.
Peacefulwife
06/11/2015
Landry,
Peacefulwife here. 🙂
Thanks for sharing your concerns. Greg does have a number of posts about what men can do. That is primarily what his blog is about. But he actually has more women readers than men – and wanted to share something that might be helpful with the women who read his blog. I really appreciate this about him. How I wish he – or someone – could have explained this stuff to me 21 years ago when we first got married! How many tears I would have been spared! And how much pain we both would have been spared! Who better to explain a masculine point of view than a man? How will we understand our men if we try to shut them down and are not interested in what they have to say?
What happens at our house now that I give Greg time to think about things is that he can process things and get back with me rather than feeling pressured to come up with an answer immediately. This post is not about husbands being let off the hook – but about how wives can give their husbands a bit of time and space. Then the husband, ideally, would bring up the issue when he is prepared to discuss it within a few hours or days. There are times a wife may need to gently ask about an issue again – but the more pressured a passive man feels, the less likely he is to share his thoughts and ideas.
There are two places in the New Testament that prohibit women from having authority over men and teaching them in the church – that is why I don’t teach men. There is no such prohibition on men teaching women. Perhaps some wives may benefit from hearing how some men think? I know that a number of husbands have appreciated the posts I have where I try to share a feminine perspective. I’m thankful that we can have a dialogue between men and women and I am so thankful that Greg was willing to share his heart and mind about this.
It is because of women responding to men with hostility – rather than seeking to understand them as we long to be understood ourselves – that many men do not share their minds and hearts with their wives or other women. My prayer is that we might take this opportunity to seek to understand our men first. As they feel understood, they will be so much better able to feel safe enough to come close to us and then they will generally seek to understand and empathize with us, as well.
Does your husband tend to be passive? What are the dynamics like in your marriage?
Much love to you!
April
Landry
07/02/2015
Hi, April. I’m actually a man so I don’t have a husband. I work in local marriage ministries and the growing trend is wife-blaming. Husbands complain about their wives and yet when we probe deeper, we find that the wife is continually being ignored, provided no sense of security (financial, or general confidence), and are left to deal with the vast majority of life’s issues while the husbands are disengaged. When confronted with the reality that both parties are contributing to the problem, we generally see the wife commit to change and we see the husband justify his actions. It is my passion to bring marriages together but not by blaming one party or by suggesting that a wife can single-handedly turn the marriage by herself. Likewise, a husband can’t do so, either. The general tendency we see is passivity in men and dominance in women. Possibly this is due to the last few decades where gender roles have been secularly challenged. In the same way that we don’t condone wives dominating their husbands, we can’t condone passivity in men. Personality is not an excuse, either. We see men excuse themselves by classifying themselves as introverts and thereby negating their responsibilities as a husband. If there are issues in the marriage, men are more responsible (to God) than wives are, yet ministries keep telling the wives to take the first step. If men are the leaders, this should be taken seriously. We see in Matthew 18 that if we are in conflict, we should address the issue with the other person. If that doesn’t work, seek godly counsel (perhaps a counselor or a wise mentor couple) and if that doesn’t work either, take the matter to the church. Instead, we see men complain instead of taking action. Without fail, when I ask whether a husband has even taken the first step, the answer is no. If I ask whether they took the matter to a counselor or to the church, the answer is no. They expect their wives to take care of it because they themselves are uncomfortable doing so. This is a failure of God-given leadership. I believe it’s very difficult for a confident, opinionated woman to submit and respect her husband if he’s timid, but we don’t let the wives off the hook and rightly so. Similary, men may find it difficult to step up and deal with a problem, but they are not off the hook either. I’m tired of the Christian community twisting the view of marriage that allows men to whimper and wife-blame, while we force women to lead and then complain when they do.
respectedhusband
07/02/2015
Landry, We see a lot of the same things that you have mentioned. If people want to try to play the blame game, that’s fine. But we try to focus on each spouse being responsible for their side of their marriage and their responsibility to God. I try to have a lot of posts directed at men, but my readership is actually about two-thirds women. This post was directed at trying to explain the thought processes going on in a passive husband’s mind. Most women have found it to be very helpful in helping them understand their husband better. We try to take the approach to try to understand each other better and break down walls that can help each spouse feel more comfortable with each other. Thanks for your comments.
Peacefulwife
07/05/2015
Landry,
Oh goodness! I apologize for misinterpreting your gender. Yikes! You sounded like an angry wife to me.
It seems to me that people blaming others for their own sins is not a new trend, but rather a heart condition that is ingrained in the fallen nature of man that goes all the way back to the Garden of Eden. It is always easier to blame other people than to take personal accountability and responsibility for our own contribution to problems or our own sin. I did that for over 14 years in our marriage myself. It was a destructive path for me and for our marriage.
I speak to wives about what wives can control – themselves. Greg often speaks to men about what they can control – themselves. Greg sometimes speaks to wives about how husbands may think and feel to try to help give them greater insight and understanding. But this does not excuse sin. Passivity is sin. And it is destructive. Men will be accountable to God for their leadership. Greg has a number of posts where he addresses this issue. And I totally agree that men must lead regardless of their personality – but I think we need to be careful how we define leadership and also allow that leadership can look different with different personalities. I also want to be careful about lots of extra-biblical expectations we as wives sometimes place on our husbands and use to judge their leadership.
It is certainly not a gift for either husband or wife to allow his/her spouse to continue on in sin. I have a post for wives about confronting our husbands’ sin. I use Matthew 7:1-5 and Matthew 18:15-17. Of course, husbands may use those principles, as well, in confronting their wives about sin. There are times when outside, biblical help is very necessary.
The reasons for the epidemic of women being dominant and men being passive are legion. And the mindsets we have as adults were often formed when we were young children. There can be a lot of “heart work” to deal with as we allow God to expose all the wrong thinking, lies, and worldly deceptions we have unwittingly embraced that contribute to our sinful thinking. It is absolutely very difficult for a confident, strong, opinionated wife to submit to and respect her husband if he is passive – impossible apart from Christ, in my mind. And it is very difficult for a passive husband to step up and lead – maybe that is also impossible apart from Christ. But thankfully, in Christ there is every reason for hope! He can regenerate our souls, minds, and hearts. He can help us discard worldly ways and sinful ways and embrace His wisdom and truth. And He can empower us to become the godly men and women He commands us to be for His glory.
Thank you for sharing your observations and concerns.
I will certainly prayerfully consider your words.
In Him,
April
Linda
06/11/2015
Thank you for this. I will read it over and over. You will never know how much this helps me understand this mystery. The statement that to get on the two way street one must die is so true, hard but true. Thank you, I know your blog is for men but it helps me so much to hear it straight from a man.
TXT
06/27/2015
At what point is passivity just a sober realization that any contention has become an effort in futility? It seems that anything less than enthusiastic endorsement is unacceptable. Even silent acquiescence or quiet contemplation is regarded as apathy or disinterest. Moreover, proffering of an alternative is frequently regarded as a “personal attack” (her words), declaration of war, and/or act of aggression (by her responding demeanor) no matter how the suggestion or observation is couched. Listening seems to be focused more on formulating a rebuttal than to try to get a deeper understanding of another’s point of view. I have seen her visibly upset by emails and Facebook posts, but when I read them they seem to be little more than a difference of opinion (although I will concede some could be a little more diplomatic). I, myself, avoid approaching her on issues that could be contentious and have developed my “poker face” so as not to be questioned when something is bothering me because somewhere along the discussion I usually become the bad guy for having thought that she was capable of even the most minor of infractions.
UraniumGirl
11/12/2019
TXT I apologize if I have this wrong, but from my perspective, perhaps your wife is looking for validation of her feelings? For you to believe her when something that doesn’t seem worth getting upset about to you is painful to her? Validating her feelings and trying to understand that something is upsetting to her, believing her emotional pain is real and valid, is vital. I see many husbands judge their wives feelings as “nothing to be upset about”, “making a big deal out of nothing”. They try to reason with something that reason cannot conquer. There’s no right or wrong.
Consider emotional pain, like a condition you have no knowledge of. What is emotionally painful to one person, may not be at all to another. I have a condition called hyperacusis. I hear things phenomenally louder than most people and continually heard, “that’s not loud, you’re overreacting, etc” resulting in people not turning down the volume or continuing to subject me to severe ear pain, to the point where I would run out of a room. It looked absurd and I was called a drama queen, ridiculous, repeatedly told what I was experiencing wasn’t valid. It defied logic to people who had not heard of this. It also traumatized me.
An audiologist diagnosed me in my 30s and what a blessing it was to have that pain acknowledged, finally. Something I could show people of proof that my pain was real. Offering what to you, may seem like a more reasonable response, to something that you wouldn’t be upset by, is deeply hurtful to women. Over time, a sensitive reaction develops and things do tend to be met by extremes because of past invalidation. Like me instinctively covering my ears when someone turns on a radio or TV. That is a painful thing to endure, but not as painful as being emotionally invalidated.
If you’re trying to reason with someone’s emotions, that is an exercise in futility, itself. It’s akin to arguing color to a colorblind person, without knowing about colorblindness. Formulating a rebuttal instead of trying to understand what you’re saying could be someone who always has to be right, or someone defending themselves against what truly is a personal attack. Does your wife always have to be right, when it comes to facts or information not colored by emotion?
Our emotions are part of us, real, an integral part of who we are. We feel what we feel and no one should ever tell anyone they SHOULD feel differently than they do. They should be taken at their word and treated with compassion and kindness. “I’m sorry that happened to you, that sounds awful, I’m sorry you’re hurting, that was rotten”. But not “I’m sorry you feel that way”. It implies she’s inherently wrong to feel it.
Accept that what she feels is pain you haven’t experienced, but absolutely legitimate. You mentioned you didn’t feel she was trying to understand you. Are you trying to understand her?
Must Be This Tall To Ride is a great blog written by a man who figured this stuff out, written for men, but does have blunt language. It’s the best thing I’ve read on explaining to men, the very thing your comment speaks to. If you’re here looking up ways to relate better to your wife, you’re already going into it with a good heart and I wish more husbands would make such an effort. Your wife is blessed to have a husband who is actively trying to be a better partner.