Greg and April 2014
A guest post by my wife, April. You can find her at www.peacefulwife.com or her Youtube channel, “April Cassidy.”: It is always tricky on the blogs when we have a female on the husband’s blog or a male on the wife’s blog. A lot of times the comments tend to move the discussion backward instead of leading the topic forward. I think this is a big topic for men and I have asked April to write a couple of more posts that I think would be helpful to husbands that only a wife could explain. I think the most important advice in this post is that respect can only be voluntary. So, printing this out and handing it to your wife and saying I demand you to be a Godly wife wouldn’t be real helpful.
Gentlemen,
I used to be a controlling, disrespectful wife myself – until God woke me up and radically changed me over the past 6 years. I have communicated with thousands of women on my blogs about learning to respect and honor our husbands (over 4 million hits so far between my two blogs). My calling is to write for women (Titus 2:3-5). It is not my intention to “teach” men or to tell them what to do. However, I have heard from so many men who use my posts to “reverse engineer” their marriages and to better understand their wives that I decided to write something to maybe help shed some light on what is going on in many wives’ hearts and minds. These are some general observations of mine. They may not all apply to every woman. I pray for God to give each of you His wisdom, His Spirit, His heart, His mind, His love, and His power to bless and bring healing to your marriage for God’s greatest glory.
The primary issue, of course, with any sin is that we are all sinners apart from the regenerating power of God’s Spirit as we fully submit to Christ as Lord.
If you are a bottom-line kind of guy, you may prefer to just read the bullet points in bold. 🙂
- Most women today – even women who profess Christ – do not have the concept of respect for men/husbands on their radar.
Respect for men/husbands/God-given authority was thrown out in our culture decades ago. Disrespect for men is mainstream now. It is everywhere in the media, in our families, among our friends, in our businesses, and in our churches. Many women under 50 years old have never had an example of a woman treating her husband with genuine respect. We have not been taught the language of respect for men and we have not been taught that men NEED respect the way that women need love. Lots of women don’t even know what is respectful and what is disrespectful in general.
- Many women have bought the worldly idea that “respect must be earned” into marriage. Of course, we don’t want to have to “earn” our husbands’ love, but many women don’t yet see the double standard.
God commands husbands to love and honor their wives unconditionally. He also commands wives to biblically submit to and respect their husbands. The respect is to be unconditional. The biblical submission is conditional – providing that the husband isn’t asking his wife to sin or condone sin – a wife is to submit to her husband “as to the Lord.” God’s authority ranks higher than the husband’s authority. Husbands and wives are ultimately accountable to Him. Husbands don’t have absolute authority over their wives. They do not have the right to demand or ask that their wives do something that goes against God’s Word (Please see Spiritual Authority by Rev. H. A. Weaver for more about this as well as Ephesians 5:22-33, I Peter 3:1-7, I Corinthians 13:4-8, Galatians 5:22-23). Respect is part of godly love. This important key in marriage – a wife’s respect for her husband and honor for his God-given leadership – is getting left out today.
- Those women who do have some idea of what respect is may only think of the really BIG things that are disrespectful and avoid those things – screaming, cussing, threatening divorce, hitting, physically abusing their husband, throwing things, etc… and think they ARE being respectful if they don’t do those terrible things.
Lots of wives don’t know about all of the dozens of things that may seem very small and inconsequential to them that actually seem very big to their husbands. I have a post where a number of husbands shared what is disrespectful to them. Many wives are completely floored and in shock about how many things look disrespectful to husbands that wives would never have imagined would be a problem. In fact, most women are totally overwhelmed when they see all the things that can be seen as disrespectful to husbands and assume it would be “impossible” to really respect their husbands. Thankfully, in Christ, genuine respect for our husbands IS entirely possible!
- Many women have developed extremely unrealistic expectations about men, marriage, and romance from romantic movies, books, other women, and the media.
– Wives may think that men should automatically know what they need and how they feel.
– They may expect their husbands to always have just the right words at the right time.
– They may expect their husbands to be perfect or to be who they want them to be.
– They may think men love words and talking about emotions and feelings just like women do.
– They may think men don’t need time to process their feelings before talking about them because a lot of women don’t need this.
– They may think that real life men should think, feel, and speak like the male romantic leads in movies and novels – whose lines were probably written by women.
– They may expect men to want emotional and spiritual connection more than sexual intimacy.
These expectations collide dramatically with reality many times and leave women feeling resentful and discontent with their real life men.
- The way we treat people is a reflection of our love and respect for and our submission to Christ. If a wife is disrespectful and/or controlling, it reveals that she is probably disrespectful and controlling toward Christ, too. The way a husband treats his wife reveals the way He treats God. The way a believer treats others is mostly about his/her relationship with Christ.
I treat my husband the way I do because of the character in my soul. If my sinful self is in charge, I will respond to him with bitterness, resentment, pride, self-righteousness, gossip, unforgiveness, disloyalty, disrespect, control, etc…(Galatians 5:18-21) If God’s Spirit is in control of my heart, mind, and soul, I will have the fruit of the Spirit no matter how my husband is acting at the time. I will have God’s supernatural love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, faithfulness, gentleness, goodness, and self-control. (Galatians 5:22-26) This is true for all believers. “Whatever you do for the least of these, you do for Me…. Whatever you do not do for the least of these, you do not do for Me.” (Matt 25:40,45)
- Husbands can make it easier or more difficult for wives to respect them just like wives can make it easier or more difficult for their husbands to love them.
It is extremely challenging for a wife to respect her husband unconditionally if he is involved in unrepentant sin of any kind just like it is extremely challenging for a husband to love his wife unconditionally when she is involved in unrepentant sin against him. Yes, God does call us as wives to respect our husbands unconditionally (Ephesians 5:22-33) just like He calls husbands to love their wives unconditionally. However, when one spouse is walking in obedience to God, it is much easier for the other spouse to obey God, as well. Gary Thomas says, “We are most tempted to sin when we are sinned against” in Sacred Marriage.
Some things wives tend to have the most difficulty with – a husband’s porn use (that feels just like adultery to wives), harshness, uncontrolled anger, selfishness, passivity, lack of integrity, lying, flirting with other women, lusting after other women, not taking time to emotionally connect with his wife, abuse/addiction to drugs or alcohol/infidelity.
I so greatly appreciate that my own husband makes it as easy as possible for me to honor, respect, and biblically submit to him. He never mistreats me. He doesn’t yell or scream at me. Ever. He is kind, thoughtful, responsible, and loving toward me. I know he looks out for my best interests and is not being selfish when he makes decisions. He seeks to live for God. I can trust him in every way. He doesn’t tear down my trust. I know I am safe with him. Greg and I do not condone any acts of violence or any sin against anyone – husbands or wives.
- A husband’s godly, selfless, Spirit-filled, Christlike love for his wife and his fervent prayers for her are the best motivators I know of for a wife to desire to become more godly herself.
Ephesians 5:22-33, I Peter 3:7, I Corinthians 13:4-8, Galatians 5:22-26
I have seen God wake up wives first sometimes and heal marriages. I have also seen God wake up husbands first sometimes and heal marriages.
The Power of a Husband’s Prayer – a real life story of a husband who trusted God to change his wife and God answered his prayers!
- A wife’s genuine respect and biblical submission have to be voluntary on her part.
A husband cannot change his wife or force her to do what he wants her to do just like a wife cannot force her husband to love her or to be romantic. He can inspire her, pray for her, and encourage her. He can gently, lovingly teach her about God’s Word. He can set a godly example for her. He can seek to lead her in a godly, humble, selfless, Christ-honoring way. He can ask her to cooperate with his God-given leadership. He can love her with God’s love. He can allow God to empower him to be the husband God desires him to be no matter what his wife is doing at the time. But he is not God, he is not the Holy Spirit, and he cannot make her understand or be convicted. It may take years for some wives to “wake up.” A husband cannot force or abuse his wife into being a godly wife and a wife cannot force or abuse her husband into being a godly husband. We are each responsible for our own choices. This is a decision a wife must make on her own because of her love for, obedience to, and reverence for Christ.
- Until a wife is in right relationship with Christ, she doesn’t have the power and resources to be a godly wife who is full of God’s peace, who is gentle, respectful, cooperative, willing to honor her husband’s leadership, who does what is right and does not give way to fear.
- A wife’s disrespect for her husband and her desire to control him are often rooted in childhood fears, ungodly examples in her life, and warped ideas from childhood about God, herself, and others. And, her desire to control her husband is part of the curse in Genesis 3 – it is a result of sin entering into the marriage relationship.
Many times, a woman does not really trust God. She may actually be trusting self and depending on self to be sovereign to make everything turn out right instead of trusting God. She may not understand God’s sovereignty. This lack of understanding may be why she tries to take on responsibilities that belong to God alone. When we put SELF on the throne of our lives instead of Christ (which is idolatry of self), we become anxious, afraid, depressed, discontent, lonely, upset, and frustrated. If we are trying to carry the weight that belongs to God, it is extremely heavy and exhausting.
Fear fuels a wife’s need for control.
- If a wife has self on the throne of her life, she may subconsciously expect everyone else to submit to her.
(Many men do this, too, unfortunately). If a wife really only trusts self (not God), and she has self as the most important consideration in her life, she may feel it is her responsibility, right, and duty to try to make others do what she thinks is best. She may believe that she is the only one who can see what is best and who knows the “right” thing to do. She may make the little issues bigger than her walk with Christ, her obedience to God’s Word, her marriage, or her husband, without even realizing what she is doing. Some other idols that are very big for a lot of women are things like: husbands, marriage, romance, feeling loved, emotional connection, children, beauty, money, happiness, etc… What I mean is, sometimes women expect these things to meet the deepest needs of their souls that only Jesus can truly meet. Idolatry always creates misery. God will not allow us to find true contentment, peace, and joy apart from Himself.
- Many wives seriously don’t see their own sin.
I didn’t. I couldn’t see all of my pride, self-righteousness, control, disrespect, bitterness, unforgiveness, gossip, resentment, etc… for almost 15 years. Thankfully, God opened my eyes 6 years ago when I read “Love and Respect” by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. How thankful I am that God didn’t leave me in my sin! If someone is spiritually blind and deceived, you can explain and explain something to her, but she cannot see until God opens her eyes. This is the Holy Spirit’s job. A husband can lovingly, gently, firmly share with his wife when she is sinning (Matthew 7:1-5, Matthew 18:15-17). I believe that husbands have a responsibility to lovingly, gently, humbly confront their wives if they see sin in their lives – we all have this responsibility as believers. It is not a gift to allow another believer to continue on in sin and to say nothing. But only God can convict her of sin. There may be quite a lot of unconditional love, prayer, and waiting involved. (When My Spouse Is Wrong) Sometimes there may have to be godly, wise, loving, boundaries set in place.
- We are not hearing the truth of God’s Word about marriage and being godly women and wives in most of our churches.
Many pastors do not dare attempt to teach wives about respecting their husbands or biblical submission. It is not a popular topic today. But because women don’t hear the truth of God’s Word and they don’t see godly examples, the only influence that is left is usually the ungodly influence of our culture. This is not good!
- Some wives can’t hear about respect and biblical submission from their own husbands. For some wives, they need to hear about it from a neutral third party.
Sometimes, reading a book, or hearing another husband or wife talk about these issues can help things “click” for a wife when she can’t hear from her own husband. Ultimately, it takes God’s Spirit to convict and open a person’s eyes to his/her sin. I want to see husbands sharing their concerns, needs, pain, and desires with their wives. But sometimes husbands can explain over and over but wives don’t understand. As Emerson Eggerichs says in “Love and Respect” – God has to cause the “scales of disrespect to fall from a wife’s eyes.”
- Most of the time, wives do not realize what they are doing when they disrespect their husbands. Wives are usually not purposely trying to destroy their husbands and marriages.
Most wives really do love their husbands. Most wives want their husbands to be happy and want to be good wives. Most wives spend a LOT of time, almost every waking moment, thinking about their husbands and marriages and most Christian wives are willing to pour tons of time, energy and resources into having a stronger, more godly marriage. If they knew what they were doing, the wouldn’t disrespect their men. Many women have no idea how destructive their disrespect is. They are usually crying out for love from their husbands because they feel unloved. They are not usually trying to destroy their husbands and marriages. If they knew how to treat their husbands well, they would! Most of the time, there is just so much misunderstanding about what men need and what masculinity is today, women just don’t know the things they really need to know about their men.
- Sometimes wives do purposely try to hurt their men, but even then, ironically, they are usually not trying to destroy their marriages.
This is usually because a woman feels very unloved and she mistakenly thinks that if she can get her husband “to hurt as much as she does,” he will understand her pain and begin to love her more again. Many times, these wives believe they do love their husbands. Often these women do not predict that what they are doing will destroy their marriage. Of course, destruction is all that happens when she tries to purposely hurt her man.
- Many women think men are invincible in every way.
They are so big and strong on the outside, and they don’t seem to be very emotional. “So, maybe men don’t have feelings like women do. Maybe men can take all kinds of emotional battering and it really doesn’t hurt them like it would hurt us.” Of course, that is not true! But many women do not know that men have feelings because men do not emote and verbalize their feelings the same way that women do. They don’t realize that when a man feels disrespected, he responds to that pain by either shutting down or getting angry.
- Most women completely misunderstand how men think, how they feel, how they talk, what they need, what they don’t need, what disrespect is, and what respect is.
This is a big problem! A fantastic resource is Shaunti Feldhahn’s “For Women Only.” There is also a companion book “For Husbands Only” by Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn that is extremely helpful to bridge the chasm between men and women in marriage. Also, “Love and Respect” by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs is a great place to start. That is the book God used to open my eyes to my disrespect.
- This journey to become a godly wife takes a LONG, LONG, LONG time.
It took me over 2.5 YEARS to begin to feel like I had any clue what respect and disrespect were. It took another year before my husband felt safe with me again and it was around that time that being respectful and biblically submitting to my husband began to feel “normal” and “natural.” This process was like learning Chinese without a teacher for me. It was VERY difficult. I am a pharmacist. I made all As in school. I had a full scholarship to pharmacy school. I have a pretty high IQ. But I spent literally hours studying, praying, and begging God to change me and teach me almost every day for well over 2.5 years before I even started to feel like I was coming anywhere close to understanding men (or my husband) at all. Now, I am 6 years into my journey. I have done a good bit of reading about how men think. I have corresponded with hundreds of husbands on my blog. And I still feel like I have a very long way to go in completely understanding men. I want to know and absorb all I can. But this is a long, slow process. Here is a post about the Stages of This Journey.
THE BOTTOM LINE:
Women do not generally see respect for men or for husbands in our culture today. Disrespect is mainstream and normal. Many women didn’t have godly examples of a wife showing honor, respect, and biblical submission in their families. Many women had mothers who were controlling and disrespectful to their fathers. That seems “normal” now to them. A woman has to swim against the current of our culture, the examples she had in her family, the media, probably all of her friends, her own intuition, and against her sinful flesh to learn to be a godly wife. This is a raging battle. It is intense spiritual warfare.
This journey to becoming a godly wife is the process of sanctification. It involves a woman allowing God to tear out everything she thought she knew about masculinity, femininity, God, self, and marriage and rebuilding on Christ and His Word. It is a complete transformation of the heart, mind, and soul. There is not a simple switch to flip and suddenly a woman is the most godly wife ever in a day or a week or a month. This process often takes years.
RELATED:
Spiritual Authority – a Firm Foundation – by Rev. H. A. Weaver
A Husband’s and a Wife’s Authority in Marriage – by Rev. H. A. Weaver
Things Husbands Do that Make Their Wives Feel Unloved – by Peacefulwife
When My Spouse Is Wrong – by Nathan Trevett
Why I Don’t Address Women with Abusive Husbands – the first part of this post is about wives who think they are being abused but in reality, the husband is just trying to lead her in a godly way. The rest of the post deals with wives who are truly being mistreated by their husbands. – by Peacefulwife
Do I Condone Marital Rape or Abuse? – I don’t condone any kind of sin by anyone! – by Peacefulwife
The Respected Husband 
Peacefulwife
01/13/2015
Reblogged this on Peacefulwife's Blog and commented:
Here’s something for the husbands.
Ladies, for some of you, this is not going to be a productive thing for you to read. Hopefully you know who you are. 🙂
Much love!
April
Tania
01/14/2015
My eyes have seriously just been opened to this topic in the last 3 days since readi.g a book called “The Surrendered Wife ” by Laura Doyle… I’m not even half way through this book and I am amazed that without even realising I have controlled, criticized and made my Husband feel like such a failure as a result of the disrespect I have poured on him through my words and actions!!
And I honestly do not know ONE Godly woman who I can see treating her husband with respect….. How sad is that!?
We have become so much like the world…conditioned by society!!! God forgive us.
Thanks for this post… I plan to purchase those books recommended too.
Peacefulwife
01/14/2015
Tania,
I’m so glad to hear from you! The Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle was the book that most helped me “crack the code” of what disrespect meant and what respect was and that helped me to examine my own motives. It is not written from a Christian perspective, so some things will have to be discarded. But I actually read that book over and over for 3 full months in order to get it in my head!
I was like you. I had NO IDEA that I had even been disrespectful or that I had been hurting my husband and destroying my marriage. Yikes!
And you are so right – there are many women who have zero godly examples. That breaks my heart! And that is why I do this ministry.
I am so excited to walk this road with you, my precious sister!
Much love to you!
AnonyMan
01/14/2015
Greg, thanks for letting your wife do what she does. I can tell it takes a lot of her time, and I appreciate that gift from you as a couple. Reading her blog has helped answer a lot of questions about my wife as well. Situations that used to be ‘head scratchers’ can now be understood.
God bless, guys.
Peacefulwife
01/16/2015
AnonyMan,
I’m so glad that this is helpful for you! I think so many of the problems between men and women are just how differently we look at and interpret things. Learning to understand how the other gender thinks can be extremely helpful and healing and can help us properly interpret motives as being good rather than evil.
May God richly bless your walk with Christ and your marriage for His greatest glory!
Jeff
01/16/2015
In the midst of trying to get my wife to better understand the DISrespect, let alone REspect, I think it’s a matter of attitude.
For instance; Not all of us can have professional careers like a doctor, dentist, congressman or scientist, but imagine a wife with a husband in a job position such as these and she tries to give him advice on his politeness to a person in public or that he should pray better or more.
For instance, as you may know, I’ve discussed my unemployment issues on this blog on other subjects.
Our washer broke down last week. I ordered parts, waited and now discovered one of the hot water valves for the washer is leaking from a faulty valve in the wall. It leaked for 30 minutes around the time I was getting my daughter off the bus. There was water everywhere. I texted my wife about the problem after I shut off the main water line. In her response text she instructed me to go and shut off the main…now, this is a very minor issue. I only responded in my text as, “really?” Her instruction to me was disrespectful because I DO know how the world works and I AM rebuilding our washer. My complaint is not in her statement, it’s in the attitude that drove her to doubt me at all! I feel that if the wife cannot trust her husband with simple stuff, how can she trust him in leadership? I feel that this article is absolutely correct. I cannot teach her how to respect me or to not disrespect me, she has to learn on her own. This disrespect, of course will not stop me from saving us hundreds of dollars by taking 4 blistering hours to rebuild a washer.
Peacefulwife
01/16/2015
Jeff,
I like the example of a husband in a professional career. Great illustration!
But I think it would apply even to skilled tradesmen. Imagine that my husband was a plumber or an air conditioner repair man and I began to give him advice about what he should do to fix a problem with the pipes or with the air conditioning? I know NOTHING about those things and know that my job is to trust someone who does know what they are doing to take care of the issue. I don’t mind being available to help if needed, but if I am asked to help, I know that I need to follow the expert’s instructions.
Peacefulwife
01/16/2015
Jeff,
You are most welcome! My pleasure. 🙂
I think it would be ok to say, “Honey, when you tell me to turn off the water main, I know that from a woman’s perspective, you are simply offering a helpful suggestion and that you have no intention of insulting me. In a man’s world, things look very different. A man who knows how proficient I am at fixing things wouldn’t tell me to turn off the water main, he would respect that I would figure that out.”
I sincerely doubt that your wife doubted you. I can absolutely see how a husband would feel that way now that I have been studying men and godly respect for so many years. But I am SURE I said very similar things to Greg in the past and had zero clue that what I was saying was anything but helpful.
In a woman’s world, we offer suggestions to each other all the time. No big deal. Take them or leave them. That is part of how we show love. We usually don’t mean that we think the person is incompetent. We think they may appreciate the reminder. And we jump in to help other women without being asked because we believe that is what love does. “You’re doing the dishes and trying to help the kids with homework, here I’ll take care of the dishes for you because I love you.” For a woman not to jump in and help without being asked would seem unloving in a woman’s world. Of course, these things often come across disrespectfully in a man’s world and then we are completely baffled. We showed love, and our men are offended. And we conclude – wrongly – that our men don’t love us like we love them. We don’t realize that many times our men are showing us respect and we interpret that as a lack of love. And many times wives show their husbands love and husbands interpret that as a lack of respect. No wonder so many couples get on “the crazy cycle” so much! (from Love and Respect by Dr. Eggerichs)
Fixing the washer is a wonderful way to show your love for her. You may even say that to her in a gentle way. “Honey, me being able to fix things and save us money is a way that I like to show you how much I love you. It is a way I can provide for you and the family.” I am sure she would appreciate it so much! Lots of women don’t think of husbands working to provide or husbands fixing things around the house as ways they show love – until a husband shares that with us. THEN we are able to properly interpret his acts of love and service and appreciate them more. Many women think of love as being expressed with compliments, words of love, etc… But we women are pretty good with learning new “languages” and if a husband can be patient and teach us what he is saying, we can absolutely learn to speak his language and appreciate all the ways he shows us his love.
Thanks so much for the comment!
Peacefulwife
01/16/2015
PS Jeff,
Most women I know, myself included, would not have ANY confidence to try fixing a washing machine even with Youtube videos. My hat is off to all the men who can fix things like that. My husband can fix almost anything. Yes, he has to research things sometimes. I am still in total awe of anyone who can do all of those amazing fix-it jobs. I’m sure your wife would be, too.
Mary
01/20/2015
Help me please. After 41 years of marriage and my continual disrespect ( which I did not realize was disrepect) my husband is done, states he does not trust me any more and that I am now training my 11 year old granddaughter the same ways. I am devastated. I do not know where to start and if I can get him back. I am praying, but it seems so little.
Peacefulwife
01/20/2015
Mary,
I’d love to walk with you on this road to becoming a godly woman. I have TONS and TONS of resources on my blog http://www.peacefulwife.com.
Please search my home page for “When Your Husband Says “I’m Done.” Could be a good place to start.
How is your walk with Christ?
When did your husband say this?
Are you both still in the same house?
I am praying for you!
Much love,
April
Peacefulwife
02/04/2015
Mary,
How are you doing? How is your time with God going? I have so many posts that I believe may bless you on my blog at http://www.peacefulwife.com. There is so much to be hopeful about in Christ!
Rob
03/09/2015
My wife is unbelievably disrespectful to me. I am so tired of it that every other day I am planning how to leave. I am absolutely sick of it. I beg God to release me from this nightmare of a marriage. It’s not that I don’t have faults. I had to grow up in a boarding school and my Dad was very harsh on us. Consequently I have a wild temper which I developed as a self protection mechanism. Also I crave (addictively) intimacy because of rejection. I have a lot of faults but I am loyal and patient. But the disrespect is beyond reason. I just can’t take it any more. I just want out. She can have it all to herself.
Peacefulwife
07/19/2015
Rob,
My apologies! I am just now seeing your comment. How I pray God might heal you both and you marriage. I am so sorry things have been so painful.
A resource that might be a blessing is “Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood” edited by John Piper and Wayne Grudem. There is a free download available at http://www.cbmw.org/resources/ And also David Platt’s Secret Church series on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood on Youtube or at http://www.radical.net may be very helpful.
Much love in Christ!
Jeff
06/03/2015
Interesting. Did not abraham go to kill issac? Is not this a sin and something his wife would have to allow happen under submission? How about abraham making sarah lie? Did she not submit and lie, not once but 3 times she lied for abraham.
I would implore you to read ephesians again. Be submissive in all thing is all things. Do not respond with ridiculous “what if he wants me to EXTREME COMMENT” . You are teaching exceptions to this which is sin.
Peacefulwife
07/19/2015
Jeff,
God didn’t include Sarah in that test He gave Abraham. Sarah was not aware of what was going on, from what Scripture records. Sarah did lie for Abraham – true. And God protected her supernaturally in those circumstances. However, there was a New Testament couple in Acts who sold a piece of property and the wife agreed to lie with the husband to the church. The wife was held just as accountable for the lie as her husband, and they were both struck dead by God’s judgment.
I invite you to read the post, “Spiritual Authority” at the top of my home page – the class notes given to me by a minister at our church. He talks about where a Christian’s submission to a human God-given authority ends and “we must obey God rather than men,” Acts 5:28-29.
Thanks for sharing your concerns. 🙂
Shannon
07/19/2015
I have read this blog before in my personal endeavor to become a more Godly wife. It actually helped me so much that I started to see a psychologist because I know I have a short fuse & I am not the best at communicating w/ tack. When I try it comes across all wrong. I feel if I can learn how to handle myself better it will improve my overall relationship w/ God & trickle down from there to see the ultimate beauty in his works throughout my life for my husband, children, & any person I have interaction w/.
I have been diligent on this. I’ve prayed more, read the bible more, & had a softer tongue.
However, while I have seen vast improvement from most areas, my relationship w/ my husband has deteriated beyond anything I can imagine.
My question is what is the boundary between being the head of the house & being controling or abusive?
I’ve been married for 7 yrs & have 2 children. Prior to marriage we discussed career paths, children, ect… we were both on board. I am a nurse, he is in the Army.
Once we moved to NC (5yrs ago) things drastically changed. I wasn’t working due to having a surgery to give him our child that he demanded I do. He started drinking heavily, bar hopping, & became very controling.
There is no joint checking account. He puts what he feels I deserve in my account weekly (which is barely enough to buy groceries, gas, & clothes for the kids) but threatens to take it away if he’s in a bad mood. While he buys what he wants, when he wants…tools, vehicles, clothes, expensive watches & sunglasses ect, calls me sick vile names in front of my children, has private talks about me to my children where he is degrading me to them, constantly tells me I am stupid or an idiot if I don’t share the same opinion as he on any subject, if one thing is out of place when he comes home, he has explosive outbursts. If I leave the house for 10 min to go to the store he is calling me swearing at me asking where I am, where I went, & accuses me of all sorts of things. He has gone as far as to track me down where I told him I would be then sends my son to come in acting concerned of my whereabouts telling me I need to hurry up & get home. He leaves at night & I have zero clue where he’s sleeping, he comes home a day or two later, apologies pour out, then all is good until for a day or so. He constantly threatens me w/ divorce & threatens to take the kids from me, tells me I wouldn’t have what I have if it weren’t for him & follows up w/ I am NOTHING w/o him.
He has filed for separation /divorce in the past when I tried to get him help for the drinking (I begged him to stop it & come back if for no other reason on his part than to at least be there when his daughter was born ). He reconciled.
Because there’s no security, our door is apparently revolving for him, & I was barely scraping by w/ the amount he allowed me to have I went & got a part time job as a nurse. He has now lessened the amount he gives me even more, refuses to pay daycare at all, & degrades me for being a nurse.
He recently moved out into one of our other houses & tells me we need to divorce for 2 yrs & during that time, I need to hit rock bottom to the point that I am on welfare. Once he has seen this has happened & he feels I have learned my lesson, only then he will make sure he is there for me & pick me back up. We will then get remarried & be together. Oh & in the meantime I am to have another baby w/ him.
While we are divorced.
Yesterday he sent me your blog. For me to read so I understand what respect is & even during this whole process of him divorcing me, I need to have respect for him.
I am struggling w/ having any respect at all for a person who walks out on his wife & kids, divorces his wife for 2 yrs wants her to struggle financially & belittle herself by going to welfare, wants to have a child out of wedlock, & then expects me to trust in him as the head of the household & remarry him.
The head of the household just ditched his family & took his bread winning paycheck w/ him to go live in the beautiful house on the hill when his family is left in an unfinished house in the ghetto w/ the worst possible school districts filled w/ drugs & violence for his son to attend.
Please help me to distinguish the difference between his authority as head of house or is this abuse?
He proclaims to be of the Christian faith but treats me more like a Muslim woman. He actually told me a very short while ago, that when we go somewhere together in front of his co workers or friends that I need to not talk, engage in conversation, or look the way I look because when I walk into a room it seems as though everyone notices me. When we go out, I do seem to get a lot of complements (whether I am plain jane-ing it that day or have my hair /makeup on) but I do not dress scantily AT ALL, I cover up out of respect for God, my husband, & myself. But he gets very angry & irritable when anyone complements me at all be it my looks, my brain, or the recent tile work I did on the house while he was deployed or gone. He gets jealous quick. Then degrades me in front of them by stating what I could have done .
Please give me some advice as to how I could have possibly respected this man anymore than I already did.
I only say did because w/ the current situation, I am losing respect for him more & more w/ every day that goes by. I can only see him as the man who walked out on his wife & kids. That is not a strong leader or strong head of household to me. Please help. Thanks
Peacefulwife
07/19/2015
Shannon,
Goodness. What a nightmare. 😦 This just doesn’t sound good at all. Please seek a godly, biblical counselor to help you walk through this. And please see the post on my blog, “Should I Stay or Should I Go.”
What happens when you share your concerns and needs?
Are you safe?
If a husband purposely doesn’t provide for his own family, I Timothy says “he is worse than an unbeliever.” 1 Timothy 5:8 God hates divorce (Malachi 2) and He hates a man covering himself with violence (kicking his wife out of his home so that she has no support).
I’m really glad you have been working on yourself and your walk with Christ. That is AWESOME! But you are experiencing really major issues here, my dear sister. Please reach out for experienced help!
Also, please check out the post “Spiritual Authority” at the top of my home page. The minister who taught that class had some things to say about how men are to respond to having a position of God-given authority in their families.
Much love to you!
Peacefulwife
07/19/2015
Shannon,
If a husband divorces his wife, I believe that he is forfeiting his place of respect and authority in your life. I don’t see where he would have any right to demand another child if he is divorcing you. That does not compute at all to me.
I do not appreciate it when a husband is mistreating his wife and uses my blog to try to demand respect and force submission from her. That grieves my heart!
I am praying for God to intervene in your husband’s heart and for His wisdom, strength, and direction for you!!