My son does not like roller coasters. Last summer we went to Universal Studios Florida for a day of family fun and it turned into a “fearfest” for him. It was not that most of the rides were too crazy for him, but it was a fear of the unknown that scared him beyond the fun aspect. The rides that we made him ride had already beaten him before we ever got on them.
My daughter who is younger loves roller coasters. On an earlier trip to an amusement park I can remember being on a ride and hearing my son screaming, “Let me off of this thing! Get me off of this thing!”, on one side of me while on the other side my daughter is screaming, “This is awesome! Can we ride again?”
This scenario reminds me of many marriages today. Many husbands have become passive in their roles of leadership in their family. At the same time many wives have taken the reigns of the leadership left void by their husbands and can’t let go.
Look at the roller coaster as a family. Many husbands have stepped out on getting on the roller coaster. Somewhere along the way they have become disengaged and fallen passively asleep in handling their leadership role. Somewhere in the process their selfish attitude has allowed them to justify being an immature, negligent, and irresponsible father and husband.
The wives of these men have had to get on the roller coaster and take on a leadership role. When the ride comes in for a stop, however, they have to stay on and ride again because they aren’t getting help from their husbands. They have to carry the weight of the family while they wait for their husband to get on the ride and help. It is no wonder that this burden leads the wife to feel resentful, angry, and alone.
We have trained a generation of marriages today to have passive husbands with eager wives. The eager wife has learned to operate her marriage alone without expecting help from her passive husband. Some might say she has become disrespectful, but with the lack of a Christlike love from a husband who is not providing any leadership, there really is not much for her to respect.
To throw out another word picture, I look at this as a patch of road. On one end there is a stop light. The husband sits here in his car and while the light continues to cycle from red to green he does not move forward. He is asleep at the wheel. On the other end of the road headed the same direction as her husband is the wife at another stop light. Every time the light turns green, however, she has to go. She has to take the leadership role. Because she has had to be the leader for so long she can’t stop. Every time the stop light turns green she has to go forward.
Somehow and someway, for the marriage to start to function the husband has to wake up and push the pedal of responsibility down. On the other end, the wife has to put the brakes on and even turn around in some cases. She has to let go of some of that weight that she has been carrying for so long. She has to be willing to forgive an embrace a repentant husband. We need to get the passive husband and the eager wife on the road between the stop lights. If we can get the husband to go and the wife to stop we might have a chance.
While I will leave the Peacefulwife to address the eager wives, I would like to address the passive husbands. In The Resolution for Men, Stephen Kendrick say, “God’s Word commands husbands and fathers to lovingly lead their homes. As men, we are to walk in honor and integrity and fully embrace our responsibilities as shepherds over our families. We are called to model a loving, Christlike example for our wives and children.”
So, you’ve screwed up as a husband. You may feel that you aren’t worthy to be the leader of your marriage. No matter what has held you back from getting on the roller coaster of your marriage there is hope. That may mean you have to step up. That may mean you have to change some things. That may mean you have to get rid of some idols that are keeping you from doing the job God planned for you. You may have to get real about your responsibilities as a husband and father. Quoting Stephen Kendrick again, “No man and no family is a lost cause when God gets involved.”
“No man and no family is a lost cause when God gets involved.”
Men have to grow up. We cannot be boys any longer. We have to start living like men. We need our priorities to be in order. We can’t let video games take up time that we should be spending with family. We can’t let being with “our” friends be a priority over our family. We need to be responsible with alcohol and drugs. We need to be responsible on our computers to not stray to pictures of porn. We need to be the spiritual leader of our family and get our families involved in a church. We need to set the example in our workplace to be Godly men with moral ethics. We need to be worthy of respect from our wives.
“Leadership determines direction.”
So, what are you going to do? Are you going to continue to sit outside the roller coaster line and not get on the ride? Maybe you will just continue to stand there and maybe occasionally look up to see your wife and family sitting on the ride. You might even occasionally wave as they go by. Or are you going to take that step forward and start becoming the husband and father you should be? Are you going to wake up and see what you are missing standing out in the fog? You know deep inside that you were made for this. This is God’s purpose for you. Get on the ride and let God guide your roller coaster on the track.
RG
03/06/2013
I’ll have to check-out that book! Do you have any others you might recommend?
respectedhusband
03/06/2013
The Resolution for Men is built around the resolution in the movie Courageous. I also like For Men Only by Jeff Feldhahn and The Point Man by Steve Farrar.
Gary
03/06/2013
I have got on the roller coaster and actually I like it, I’m still trying to pick up the reins in some areas but I’m getting there! Go fairground rides…..
Gary
Sad Husband
03/07/2013
The more I attempted to be the spiritual leader, the more my wife rebelled. I’m lonely and depressed sitting in hotel room. We have seperated for the time being. Church and family is important to me and what I wanted for my family but wife wants other things. Hanging out with single friends, coming home at 4-5 am. Being involved in lots of activities so we rarely are together as a family. The books you list as good reads, which I read some time ago, my wife hates them.
I pray God does a work in me. I can’t change my wife.
justinmcampbell
03/11/2013
This is exactly right. The one thing I’d add is if you have to, get some help. Find a person or two (men) that can hold you accountable. If you have to get to a counseling session or two. Do what it takes. If you’ve lived one way for a long time it might take community to change. I think one of our challenges as men is we hate asking for help. Part of getting on the ride might be doing just that.
anonymousMe
03/11/2013
What does one do when we finally do take that step, but our wives refuse to put on the brakes? Or, rather, my wife wants me to put my foot on the gas, but she wants to take the steering wheel! I was not a great husband/father for a long time, having been stuck in the trap of pornography and often letting games and friends become a priority while leaving my wife on the back burner. After a life changing incident I have renewed my walk with the Lord and am trying to lead my family rightly, but am facing opposition from my wife, even in things that are spiritually and biblically correct! She will not read the Word with me, she will not pray with me and she really doesn’t even like going to church with me. Though our marriage looks pretty good on the surface, we have a lot of issues. I continue to pray for her, but we don’t attend any type of counseling. I know that both of us have created this problem, and I know I have to let the Lord fix it by placing it into his hands, but is there nothing practical you can suggest to help convince her that I am not trying to lead out of selfishness, and we certainly cannot BOTH be leaders, butting heads over all types of issues. Thanks.
respectedhusband
03/12/2013
AnonymousMe,
I appreciate your comment. I am not a counselor or expert, but it is going to take time and commitment by you. My only advice is to be the best husband you can be and by that I mean a servant husband. Leading is not dominating but making decisions with the best interest of the whole family in mind. Porn is almost a universal problem for men, but women have an extremely hard time respecting a man who has had issues with porn. It is looked at in the same severity as an affair by a wife. It is important that you work over and beyond to be transparent and be open in that area. You are going to have to earn trust over time. Stay strong and work hard even when at times it will seem that your efforts are useless. Honor God above all in how you live your role as a husband. Obviously, if things are beyond repair try to get some counseling for the two of you. One other thing, although you need to be a servant husband, you still need to be able to lovingly let your wife know how you feel. Some of the biggest breakthroughs we have had in our marriage happened when I was able to express pain or problems in a loving fashion. Sometimes men are so big at trying to be men that we lose fact that we can have emotion. Emotion is an area that your wife can understand and relate to. That can be the key to having her open up to your leadership as well. Good luck.
peacefulwife
03/12/2013
AnonymousMe,
This is Peacefulwife,
Would your wife be willing to correspond with me? My email is aprilc@sc.rr.com.
I also have a Youtube channel with videos if she would rather watch or listen instead of read my blog. The channel is “April Cassidy”
I am praying for you!
anonymousMe
03/15/2013
I actually don’t think she would be willing. I set her up to see a counselor and she seemed willing up until the day she had to go, then she backed out. I don’t know if she is afraid to get counseling or if she feels she doesn’t need it. Unfortunately there are other circumstances, I believe, that are keeping her from committing to going. When I asked her about further counseling she told me to stop harassing her. Also, I don’t know how she would respond to the fact that I discussing the situation with other people. I will probe a little, and see if she would be open to it, though. Thank you, both, again, for your help and prayers.