The Pursuit of Reassurance

Posted on 03/01/2012 by

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Last time we looked at some of the C-A-U-S-E-S that trigger your wife to have doubt about your love for her. Today we are going to look at some ways that we can stop the downward spiral of doubt in its tracks. So far we have seen that your wife can have an emotionally painful experience if she has uncertainty about your love for her. We have also discussed some of the underlying things that create these feelings.

So the solution to the downward spiral of doubt is…..Reassurance  and Pursuit

Part 1: Reassurance

Wow….That seems easy enough. Peacefulwife tells me that the most effective way she feels reassured is with words. Those words need to be written or spoken daily. Well, I thought it was easy. Words sometimes are hard for guys, I mean, unless it is about the ballgame, fishing, hunting, or cars. Couldn’t I just get her a card or something? It has words in it. Well let’s look at some ways that we can reassure our wives.

Reassurance during conflict

This one is listed first because it is often the hardest to implement. So, when you are right in the middle of a spat, you should be able to state your love for your wife is true and be able to separate this from your anger or her feelings. Turns out that Jeff FeldHahn in “For Men Only” found out that this was the “magic bullet that almost every woman told us would make all the difference.” So, let’s look back and remember that often the problem is the feeling associated with the issue and not the issue itself. In this way if we are able to express to our wives that we acknowledge that there is an issue but that does not change the fact that we love them and we are not going anywhere.

Seems somewhat feasible to accomplish doesn’t it. We have a little tiff and somewhere along the way something rational clicks into our brains and we lob it out there, “I know this is bothering you, but I won’t you to know that we’re okay. Let’s discuss this when we have cooled down.” Wow, glad that is over with. Unfortunately, there is one small, final step that really makes the magic bullet indefensible. We have to come back and handle the original problem that brought on the conflict. Even better, we need to do it for they ask us about it.

Reassure her that when you need space it is not about her

This issue is rooted in a distinct difference in the way men and women think. Men like to have time to process things and they like to do it alone. Women on the other hand rarely like to think about their feelings by themselves. So, let’s throw the man and woman into a quagmire and see what happens. He wants a quiet place and she wants to talk about it. So, the short of it is, when you need time alone to sort through some things you need to let her know. If we do not it is like a flashing red sign that they are the reason for your problem.

Your wife doesn’t need space – She needs a hug

As we just stated earlier, women do not like to think about their feelings by themselves. So when they are upset we can’t treat them like we would another guy. We can’t back off and let them work things out. Your wife wants security and knowing that you are there for her. One of the easiest ways to show that you love her and assure her that you want her to feel better is to give her a big hug. I actually get this one right occasionally and from a guy’s perspective it doesn’t have to involve many words.

If she needs to talk about your relationship – Listen without becoming defensive

Again, we have to go back and remember that women do not like to think about their feelings by themselves. So, they need to talk to work through their problems. In that regard it is easy to take what they may say as a criticism or attack on us and not as trying to solve the problem. If we can understand that this is a process for your wife to work through a problem, we can get to a resolution of the problem in a shorter time frame.

If she is being difficult – Keep reassuring her that you love her

So, if our wives are being difficult, resistant, or pushing us away, that is a good indication for us to go find some time somewhere else. As it turns out this is just another way a wife deals with their uncertainty about your love. Unfortunately, at that very moment when she is putting up a barrier to you, she really wants you to help her desperately. She needs you to reassure her that no matter how she is feeling right then, you really love her. This one is difficult for us. It is hard to show love when we feel that we have to break through a wall to express it. It is hard enough for a husband to express love to his wife without any obstacles. Jeff Feldhahn leaves one piece of advice for this one, “If you are speechless with frustration at this point, forget giving speeches and simply reach for her.”

Part II: Persistent Pursuit

This is what I like to call the ultimate preemptive strike. The best solution to the problem may be heading it off before it ever begins. If we can reassure our wives before the feel insecure we are able to build up her resolve to the doubt attack. Jeff Feldhahn describes this as “pursuit is what she still deeply desires and needs in her marriage.” This is one of those that you may have thought was taken care of when you got married. You spent a lot of time and effort getting your wife to love you enough to marry you. If you stop taking the time and effort after you are married to pursue your wife it is perceived like you have stopped caring about her.

We have to continue to pursue our wives after marriage. So, what are some of the things you can do to show your pursuit. You can spend time together. You can show that you are listening to her. You can flirt with her. You can send emails or texts to each other throughout the day. You can still dream about your future together. The feeling that you are going to be there no matter what and would do anything to take care of your wife even when she may seem to not want you will help you avoid a lot of trials in the future.

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